I just returned from watching Borat. Interesting, very interesting, and very funny, in a sad way too. Man, some people are just too much for me to wrap my head around. Idiocy, close mindedness, ignorance, religion, whatever you want to label it. I admit I laughed a lot, but at the same time I was cringing.

Oh yeah, halloween candy is the devil!

Hopeful Day

Wow, maybe my votes actually did count this time. I even went so far as to write a CA senator as to why I would not vote for her based on her stance on the "War" in Iraq. I looked up every person, every initiative, I tried very hard to be informed. My voting skills of the past have been to look at groups supporting or against certain measures and vote that way. I took it further this time and it seems as if my time and energy paid off. Ok, maybe it was just the way America swung this time, but I am reasonable happy with most of the outcomes. I am looking forward to George being blocked as much as possible his final two years. Dare I say it, maybe, just maybe, but I am not holding my breath, every last one of our countrymen will be brought home from Iraq, that crazy place in the sand where they die, lose limbs, get burned, families are destroyed, all for lies perpetuated by that mega-ego-maniac that considers himself the topmost authority over the universe. Yep, that is it, Master of the Universe, but not the good one from when we were kids. I could go on and on about that awful person and all of the awful things that have happened on his watch, but I am putting positiveness out there right now. Most of you who know me know of my political leanings. Government interference be damned.
Wow, a lot has went on in the past couple of weeks. I missed my sweet friend's first baby shower thanks to an intensive, weekend long marriage seminar. I think other than birth, that seminar was the most emotionally draining thing I have done. It was tough, it is tough still. I do not like being vulnerable, especially to Byron. It kind of irritated me, that the entire time, he still denied having anything bad happen to him when he grew up. The man's mother used to have their family pets put to sleep while they were at school because she was tired of them, but according to Byron she was almost a saint. Her other mode of disposal was to take whatever animal they had and drive it across town for drop off. I was not really hopeful going into the thing and I am not so hopeful now either. I think it may have been different if an actual opening up and realization had occurred. Why do I keep going forward? I hear Connor saying, "Mom, the worst thing ever would be...." Feel free to fill in the blank here, anything regarding us being broke up, divorced, fighting, not living together, etc. Although, I suppose it can not be categorized as forward, more of why am I still in the holding pattern. The seminar had a lot of truth in it. We as human beings are destined to pick those that make us stretch and grow no matter how much it hurts. I am a hailstorm and Byron is a turtle, we are not compatible as such, so we are supposed to work to empathize with one another, using actual understanding of where the requests each is making is coming from, and acting based on that. I am not sure I needed to pay 600.00 for that.
Miss Molly is napping right now, but after she gets up we are headed to the orthodontist, yes, my two year old girl with baby teeth is going to the orthodontist. She was trying to get her pacifiers out of the kitchen drawer last Thursday and ended up falling. She broke her fall on the concrete with her mouth and lips. Her lip is no longer swollen and the four splits in it have healed, but her teeth are still pushed back about 1 cm in her tiny mouth. The good news is, they are closer back to normal than they were last week and they do not seem to be changing color. The changing color would mean out the teeth would come, then the poor child would have no new teeth until her adults come in around age six or seven. The hits just keep coming with that girl. A silver lining though is we were forced to take the pacifiers away for good because they would cause the loose teeth to reposition themselves wrong.

One more revisit to the elections, thank you my open minded, civic minded, liberal, free and peaceful thinking friends. One small step has been made to making this nation respected and great, as it once was.

Silence II

Well, it is an entirely different night. The silence is actually real. Both kids are asleep. I just have to say, I am so much better at an easy bedtime than anyone else in this house! HA. Last night Miss Molly ended up going and going and going until about 9 (2 hours after bedtime). Good thing I was not taking care of her, but then again, if I was taking care of her it would not have happened like that anyway.
I did manage to get my hair chopped off, not as chopped as I would like, but about four inches. I think I will head back in for more chopping. I have had as many as three haircuts in a week before because I had not enough chopping.

Quote for the Day

Stole this one:

Going to church does not make you a Christian, just like standing in a garage does not make you a car.

Silence

The kids are in bed and hopefully sleeping! I already have everything completed for my night and now I have found something else for me to do. This I like though. I even got in a nap today. Byron came home very early and took the kids to the beach with the dog. I laid on my bed all but 15 minutes of the entire time they were gone. It felt so good. I think considering that I did not sleep from about 7 am on Saturday until 10 pm on Sunday, I really needed it.
Here I am back to the old crap. I am too old to stay up all night. I did it, I had a lot, A LOT of fun doing it, but I am paying for it. My nose is not snotty yet, but my throat has been sore since. I have popped more vitamins in the last two days than in the last few months in the hopes that I can stave off this "lack of bodily care" induced sickness. It seems to be working though, knock on wood. The sore throat is usually already into the head cold by now if it is coming.
Oh yeah, the all nighter....my friend had a birthday party in Malibu Lake this weekend. It was at a beautiful house with a large pool and a fun hot tub in the rock landscape. Four bands played, friends with restaurants catered, friends that run fishing businesses brought fresh fish, and we danced, and danced, and talked, and swam, and laughed our asses off (ok, mine will take more than one night of laughing, but it is just an expression). The keg for some reason did not last very long. It is a good thing I am very educated on these matters and had stocked a cooler that was locked in a truck with beer for such emergencies. I believe I slowed down in between 4-6 a.m. until we headed to the grocery store for breakfast and Bloody Mary mix. At that point we all formed a team and are now talking about what our t-shirts will look like. We decided on green with the number 28 on them. Zack (my friend and neighbor) knows and explained about the number, but I do not remember the significance. I am not sure either of the significance of the team itself, but it was sounding fun at the time. One of the bands, Zippy Josh, left their lead singer and guitar player at the party the night before, so we all had the pleasure of laying around for a few more hours listening to Josh play. Zippy Josh is on myspace if you want to check them out. It was weird waking up on Monday and not having any music around. Josh put down his guitar for only about 1.5 hours all day, to eat, use the restroom and get in the hot tub again. Hot tubs are the best when you are aching.
OK, they are not sleeping. They have been up a few times now. I let Byron decide how to put them to bed and here they are up a half hour late. Molly had no nap today either and they both have school early in the morning. I looked up the damn sleep guidelines for children (obviously, I know they do not apply to me, based on my behavior) and it said that kids 2-12 need 11-12 hours per day in order to function well. I need them sleeping that long too in order to function well.
Crappy to say, but one of the best things about this weekend is I was on my own. I did not have to deal one moment with the ass. I know there used to be a time when we agreed on at least sex, since we have two kids, but now there is nothing at all we agree on.
I am hitting a bitter stage again, I think because I would like to be less lonely in the adult realm. I have my few close girlfriends, but did I mention sex. My imagination is not as good as it takes to go this long by myself. I never thought that I was a sex crazed person, but I guess that was because I was not a sex deprived person. It is making me even more grumpy than usual. Let's add to that the not drinking wine whenever I want to and I am becoming a big bitch. I think whatever it was I used to smoke also helped me in the bitch department. I still feel that I am winning the war though since most of my bitchiness is kept in my head, when more comes out that stays in happens, then I will really worry. I am trying to use the word bitch or some variation of it as much as I can, but I am running out of ideas and thinking about TV.

2nd Job

Busy, busy, busy. I have been quite neglectful toward my blog. Kindergarten has become my second job.

83%

I received 83%, for a low B grade on my HOE 101 assigned. I cut out for about 8 hours of time to myself and sleep in my own warm bed. Dang it is getting cold here in CA at night. I am already missing summer. The entire experience was better than I thought though and I did it all myself, which is the best part. I packed, set up the condo, blew up the beds, tore down, and everything in between. I was with two other women, though, that were encouraging and fun to be with. My favorite part was breakfast. I ate a bagel with peanut butter and a banana smashed on it. I have not had peanut butter and banana in a long time. I forgot how good it was.
Speaking of good, I have stuffed green peppers ready to go into the oven for dinner. Yummy! I have started adding cream cheese to the stuffing. Why is everything so good so bad? Damn double edge sword! I spoke with my Monkey friend today. She made ice cream with berries and cream cheese yesterday. I would have driven the two hours to her house just to taste it if I would have known! She said it tasted just like cheesecake.
I think I am PMSing. I am not getting full when I eat and I am obsessing about food. I also have a new blemish on my chin and am fighting away bitchiness. I think maybe there are only about two days in the month when my hormone levels are "normal". Being a woman is wonderful because, well for one, multiple orgasms, for two and so on.....being more mature, building babies, close open friendships, more rationality than the opposite sex (not saying though how much or little each has), in general, I just believe we are the tougher sex, but then here comes the hormones. Let me say it again, double edge sword.
I am working hard on fitting into my new little red dress for Jenny F's wedding, so I will have to be hypervigilant and get on down to the store for some sort of control garment. I believe my grandma called it a girdle. Victoria Secret, though, changed the fashion and now it is not called a girdle because that is not cool enough. What about walks like a duck, is a duck? On that one though, Molly walks like a pidgeon and she is a girl.
My sister and her husband brought their boys out this weekend to say hi. It was nice to visit. Molly actually had clothes on and Jill talked her into a pony tail. My friend and neighbor, who sees Molly everyday did not even recognize her. He told his wife my sister's baby was so cute. Ummm...that's Molly, my sister has boys and you have know her since she was a few months old! It is amazing what a little hair do and a dress can do for someone. Maybe I should head out and get my hair chopped off. I have been thinking about it, but it has not stuck with me yet. It is close to time though. Long hair is so easy though, put it up, let it hang, short hair you have to actually do something with, dry, curl, whatever.

HOE 101

I am certain that the teachers and staff at Connor's school are all interested in seeing what kind of stress the parents can handle. Today begins the two day, all school camp out. Yes, folks, that's right, 220 kids and their parents AND siblings all running around in the same area. The best part about it being a school function is you can not drink or smoke. Who goes camping and does not drink or smoke? Those are mine, and everyone I go with, main activities while camping. Only one person is left sober to drag the others behind the boat. My only recourse is to substitute with Ativan. I like that stuff. Just one teeny tiny white pill and all of my irritations are gone. Maybe if the pill was bigger, it could make Byron disappear. Is that possible? Maybe I should learn some magic or something and try it out.

I would like to give a nod to a blog I read the other day, but I do not remember what it was. The author coined (or maybe stole too) the class code of HOE 101. It stands for Hell on Earth 101 all of you non college people. The next two days will include the intensive testing to see if we all can pass to HOE 102, or maybe even jump to HOE 210. I am glad that Connor got involved in such a wonderful school with such great ideas! I guess, just like life, it is the double edge sword.

I have figured out how to get the picture up! This is how I look as seen by my boy Connor. Now, my next step will be to move it from a post to the profile. We will see!

All That I'm Good For Is You

I wish I could put that forth into the universe as action at all times. I found myself places where I know are not good for anyone involved. Life is a complicated place. As much good as I can do for anyone, I am trying.
I have been acting extremely selfish lately. The established rules of my life no longer work for more than a while and so I am once again redefining things. I have continued to almost a fault, my no lying policy. My friend told me the other day that a lie is like a cancer and I firmly agree. It can flood into every part of your body, take over, and destroy all the good you have. I see another side too, though, I believe lies of omission are just as much of a lie, but if telling a person something is only for the good for the teller, than why? If hurting and damaging another person is the ultimate outcome than it is better just to swallow your lie and move forward. Get the cancerous lie and work on healing it on your own. Hopefully it is a lessoned learned.
I recently offered the info to Byron that I will begin dating again. He was not very happy and after an hour and a half of conversation, more like arguing (I was even followed into the shower), it eventually boiled down to, he hoped I never in my life realized what a mistake I was making in destroying our family. Will I? Will he ever realize the damage he has done to his family also?
I do not think I would make this step unless my family (or as it is defined by my marriage right now) was not already destroyed. This is just a final step to moving forward. It does feel kind of selfish though. I am having fun, enjoying myself, and that is not something that I have not done in an adult, opposite sex, relationship realm for a long time. I flirted with my internet friend for a few months this Spring and Summer, but we never (other than for two minutes one time) talked on the telephone with each other. We used to talk on the phone more than several times a day when we first met and when we were not looking at each other as dating potential. I did not want to or was not able to allow myself to bring it more into reality than the computer this last time. This week though, I have reality. Scary? fuck yes, plus a bunch of other emotions mixed in. The most difficult part was in the telling of the person I promised to love and cherish and honor, even though we have been "separated" for some time now. That damn promise thing gets me every time. What kind of person am I if I do not follow through with what I say? I firmly believe though, that neither of us ever followed those damn vows. I was so sick on the day of my wedding, throwing up and all, I was not even hungover. I was in beautiful warm irie Jamaica about to volunteer myself to a person I knew all about and all I cold do is throw up. Talk about ignoring the signs. It feels like we could only love and respect one another for short periods at a time. Why, when looking at our wonderful life, our children, our home, our animals, all the hard work we have done together are we still so stupid and stubborn as to not get it. I am not good for him. I can not even allow myself to be anymore. Yes, I am still on this old same OLD bullshit. My oldest friend in the world said to me the other day, the first year he was everything you ever wanted and he treated you like you were the only woman in the world, but the last seven you have been only there to take care of the running of the day to day activities and he has not bothered to see you past that, unless you were bitching about something. I think though, that there have been periods of time where it has been different. I want to be pessimistic and say, yah, maybe if you put all the time together in the last seven years, the good parts would add up to about a month of time, but in reality, it is probably about a years worth of time. What the hell? Is that normal (based on whatever normal is)? I asked my stepdad when I was having a cigarette with him on the porch if he knew anyone who was happily married. He said back in the eighties when he lived in Metaline Falls. WTF??? Over twenties years ago he knew one couple who was happy. Why? Can anyone answer why the grass always seems to be greener? Can no human being put another before themselves anymore? First our spouses become disposable...When will it be our kids. It already is our kids for some people. They are just not the majority yet like the spouses are.

On another note, I hate the damn computer....I tried to upload some pictures and am too stupid to figure it out. Once again, maybe I should not have copied in my college computer classes, paid more attention, and smoked less.

Truth

If only I could figure out the truths of my life. I find myself doing more and more things to get away from it now. I spent all summer on self reflection and now I am throwing myself into outside endeavors. Good or bad? Both I think. I was too depressed seeing inside my head all of the time, now I am not depressed about seeing inside my head, and am looking to accomplish things in the world, looking around the world depresses me. It is tough having higher reasoning. My kitties have it so much easier. They are having gender identity issues though now. I found out yesterday after taking them to be spayed, that they needed to actually be neutered. Oops, I don't look between their legs. I just took the word of the person who gave them to me. Their names are sticking though, Johnny Cash had a boy named Sue, so why can't we.

Old Age

This weather is making my joints ache. I am trying lately to limp on both legs. My old broken left foot aches and my old broken right knee does too! What the hell? I have already hit the arthritic stage at the ripe old age of 32. Thirty two and a little over a half to be honest. I wonder what my body will feel like in five more years, will I have to use a walker? Hopefully the only time the aching will come is when the weather changes occur and they will not come more often.
I was also thinking today that I must be really really old, because a person that I once made out with and did some heavy petting with has died. I actually had sexual contact with a dead person (not while they were dead, but they are dead now)! How many woman my age can say that. Granted for a long time, I have gone for men about 10-15 years older than myself, but no more. I am looking at the 21-28 range now, more energy, stamina, what have you. Granted a lot more immature, but age is no guarantee and the men that are now 10-15 years old than me are no longer attractive to me. My body has aged but my mind has not. I would say it has expanded, but my attractiveness ideals have stayed fairly constant. I think it will be easier to keep my dating separate from my kids while dating younger men also. They, in general, are not so interested in kids yet and that is good. I want no one else around my two imps without at least two years of dating under our belts. Ok, maybe a bit extreme, but I am new to this.

Sobriety

I was already in bed tonight and ready to go to sleep when I starting thinking about how I have been ignoring my blog. Granted this all started due to my insomnia which has now subsided, hopefully for a good long time, but I did enjoy writing and I did find it cathartic, so I am now up and at the computer again.
I have been sober, free of all chemicals, for a week now. I was also sober for the weekdays the week before that. My children were not with me and went camping over labor day, so in that time period I did have a few drinks. I even went wine tasting. I have been to parties, hung out with my friends, out to dinner and even out to sushi. I had not one drop of sake, plum wine, Sapporo or even cared that I did not have any of those things. I have not avoided situations where I have previously drank nor have I felt the need to in order not to drink. The first week, the one before Labor Day, the first two nights I did think about wine when I started dinner because that was my habit. This lack of want I have going on now and how easily it all took place has led me to believe I had less of an issue with it all than I once thought. I know I add these things to my life to combat the boredom. I could have chosen exercise or scrapbooking, but I do not like those things and am not interested. I do like wine and I do like beer, I think they taste good and I like being buzzy. I also know I like the lack of focus it gives me on the crappy things I have going on. The crappy things are much easier to ignore when you are sitting on the couch with a glass of wine by yourself than when you are sitting on the couch, well, just by yourself. The lack of drinking is making my relationship with Byron more difficult. I have less to occupy my time with out it and so I work more on figuring out how to make my life better for me. Sucks for Byron.
I like that my belly is becoming flat again without me doing anything out of the ordinary, that is a good side effect. Maybe my ass will lift off the top of my legs too, but I can hardly count on that and believe it to be a pipe dream.
What really sucks for Byron is the reason I stopped it all is so he will have no legs to stand on when he comes after me for my kids. Me not drinking takes away all of the questionable parts of my parenting. To me and to those who know me, it was never in question, but anything can be given an ugly head of it's own if someone wants it. I feel superior now to him, he drinks, he smokes, he goes to titty bars, he does not do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it and none of those things live in MY back yard. HA! I may be a bitch, but who can fault me for that after living with him for eight years, he could turn even Mother Mary with his behavior.
I feel great now that the little bauble in my self confidence has come out.
I do not feel my attitude is good though for my marriage, but I do not really want it to be. I feel the need to be accommodated for a while. Whether or not that is going to happen is another story. He tells me that the kids and I are the most important thing to him and he will do anything, so I guess I am out to make him prove how important we actually are, put your money where your mouth is man. I am on a total jag and know I am not making it easy, but after everything, all the horrible, stupid, awful, degrading, belittling, non caring things that have happened I feel deserving of my bitchiness toward him and also deserving of the hard line I am drawing. If you really do want me and want to be with me, then more than a little effort is going to be called for.
Now, I am off to bed.

Geez Louise.


Aren't I articulate?

Ovulation

Being a woman is sometimes the most awful thing in the world. I am so bitchy and irritated right now. My house is not clean enough, my kids are not fast enough, my animals get too much hair eveywhere. The mundane everyday dealings with life, that take any sort of patience at all have crawled under my skin and pissed me off.

Extra Martial Relationships

My lovely soon to be ex-husband told me today that he knew about all of the other relationships I have been having in my life. I asked him what relationships? He said "you know what I am talking about.". OK, no I do not, I wish I had extra relationships. I wish there was a man in my life that I could sustain a conversation with. If it can not be the man I had two children with and promised to love forever, what man can fill that place? Holy shit, that is a tall order to fill. I think that my kids are the most scary part of the divorce for me. I am ok to move ahead, my children are the major casualties. No other man will feel as much emotion as I do for my children than Byron. I know there are wonderful people who love other people's children, but never the same as if they came from you. Extra relationships would be welcome. Apply here please. I am a selfish woman and would like attention, I think I mentioned before too, sex, I would like sex, and holding, and kissing, and the movies, and pizza on the couch. How the hell did an educated successful woman like myself end up with a man who thinks she is a piece of dirt. I sometimes fear that if I feel something, I will to easily communicate it to someone else. I consider that honest and being true to and open about yourself and your feelings. I am under the distinct impression that many others find it scary and disconcerting. WTF? Do people not want to know the way it is for others? Isn't that the insight we are searching for in our lives, the match, the mate, the one that will relate to us as if we had no fear?

Blog Porn

Ok, whoever keeps leaving the anonymous porn links, please do not. If I am interested in finding porn on the internet I will do so without any link on my blog. Porn is subjective and personal so leave me to myself.
Thank you for your patience and understanding (you internet porn pusher).

I Am No One You Know

I am no one you know is a title of a book by Joyce Carol Oats. It is a collection of short stories. I started reading it, but had to leave it at my mom's. I like the message the title conveys. I am no one you know, even if you are my friend. It is amazing how little we comprehend, I mean really comprehend one another. Wow, I am feeling screwed up by that. I would like to think there are people out there that know me, ME. I feel there are maybe a handful of women... Beautiful, wonderful, life sustaining women. Did God play a trick on us and allow only other females to feel the "same"? Then God had the audacity to make me heterosexual. What did I screw up to deserve that kind of Karma? Wow, if my husband could feel me, than maybe he would never be my ex-husband. I think TV is the devil because it allows (ok media in general) us to think that others think like us. No one thinks like I do, like I said, only a few understand. My husband and I, no matter how much I try to continue to delude myself, will ever think anything alike. We will, until the day we die, look at the same thing happening in a park and come up with two totally different interpretations. I really truly and sincerely believe that there will never be a man, a significant other in my life, that will ever understand me and see the same scene as I do. If I did, I would have been divorced from my husband in month three instead of still sitting here rounding up year three. In three more month's I will have been married four years. I will have been in a relationship with the same man for eight years, with only about a total of 9 weeks of real honest to goodness separation. Thinking about it gives me such a mix of feelings, disbelief, old, worn, tired, sometimes accomplishment. I think disbelief is in the front though.
I am no one you know. I know no one . I do not know you, any of you, not even my children. They think different than I do, different than their father, their friends, and you. Every human being on this earth thinks differently than every other human being. Sick. And to top it off, I feel stupid. I feel stupid because sometimes I forget it. I fall into a comfortable place where I think I am actually felt in this life. I actually think I am gotten, but then, I am really not. Am I mental or what? I call it inconsiderate of others, but I guess that is totally true, no one thinks like anyone else, so they do not consider another's feelings. How would it be possible?

Feeling low. Obviously.

Easy Living

‘Waltz” by Fiona Apple

If you don’t have a song to sing
You’re ok
You know how to get along humming
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
-Cause it’s just what you must do and
Nobody does it anymore
No, I don’t believe in the wasting of time
But I don’t believe that I am wasting mine

If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
(And I’d sure appreciate it)
Everyone else’s goal’s
To get big-headed
Why should I follow that beat,
Being that I’m
Better than fine

Fiona’s new CD is a wonderful mix of what her imagination and voice can do. I have been listening to it almost every day since Byron bought it. It is no longer his, I have taken over possession. It rivals my love for Hem, Rabbit Songs.

I am on my own, beginning today, until Tuesday. I really feel like I am on vacation. I am alone in a home stocked with anything I could need or want, in a town where I know, where I have enough people with love for me. I love sitting in this chair and not moving for another soul except myself! Selfish, yes, but I deserve it. I will have to work tomorrow and I will. It will be easy to get done, no one around to ask for one thing or another, no cleaning to do (my mom is lucky enough to have a housekeeper, who happens to be my oldest friend in the world).

I spent the majority of my day on memory lane. My best friend has driven me around the area I grew up in. My little Miss Kasey, so kindly gave up her morning and afternoon to drive the old back roads and reminisce with me. I really enjoyed it. I was happy to leave that town. Silver Lake is its name. It was a different lifetime for me. I have found that the memories on memory lane have dulled and gone somewhere into the recesses of my brain that I no longer have access to. Blessing or no? I consider my lack of memory a blessing. I have been happier and more forgiving than I would ever be if I had a long memory. If I did not peer through the rose colored glasses my life may have felt different to me. The rose colored glasses have put me here, with good feelings of my past and what it has provided me with. I have had good and bad and awful and wonderful things happen to me, but I am very satisfied that the overall feeling that comes into my life is contentment, happiness, mostly joy….
Speaking of joy, I am sitting in a soft chair, having a glass of Syrah, and looking out the window at beautiful, large (I could get poetic and say majestic) trees. My mom lives on a lake, prime-viewing spot in town. She has taken, with her wonderful husband, my children and my sister’s to another lake that is not anywhere near here. I am praying their camping trip provides them with as much pleasure it is providing me with. Tomorrow I will remember what it feels like to sleep past 6:30 am. Pleasure, pleasure, all around.

What, no internet connection?

There is no hope at all for an internet connection here. It is close to midnight and I am at my Dad’s and stepmoms. They live out in the back forty, which I think is wonderful. I am slowing down now and having a beer, when vodka has been at my side most of the day. I have had a nice relaxing time and so have the kids. My sisters two oldest are here as well as my own and we have had nothing but fun today. I will do my magic and cut and paste this one too. I just finished setting up the kitchen for the morning. There is really nothing like a clean and ready to go kitchen when you wake up. It is so nice to either set the coffee pot to go on at a certain time or just have it ready to flip the switch when you wake up. The dishes from the night before are all clean, dry and put away. For some reason, maybe a sick reason (part of my OCD), I think this is good and makes your next day start out better.
The kids swam in the river today, or more like played, Connor swam and I waded out to my chest, deep enough to pee out the vodka and orange juice. Molly, not so interested in that, Kaili, interested, but too cold for her to actually swim, Connor only swam because he fell and had to swim, the rocks were slippery, and Jalen, he waded around and saw what the river had to offer. The river had crawdads, mud daubers, skippers, and all sorts of things hidden that the kids had no idea about. They loved it and I felt like they were in school, all clustered around a pool that was stagnant and kept all of the offerings of the river. The caught in cups, talked, squealed, laughed and over all had a very good time. My Dad and I talked about them, their small bodies, their personalities, and their beauty. I love understanding their beauty past what they look like, the more I know them, the more I can see, of course.
Speaking of, I am eating potato chips right now with my beer. My Dad told me today that I have let myself go. He meant my body. I wanted to say screw you, try birthing two children yourself you butt hole, but I understood what he meant. It is not my children’s fault at this point that I have this particular body. It is all me. It is my wine, beer, and good food. The lack of exercise, which is on purpose, also contributes. The whole thing, though, is right now, I have a lot of other things to focus on and my body is not one of them. Today I am happy as me, in my skin, in my fat, with the belly my father is so disgusted with. He actually said, “You were such a beautiful little girl”. I did not in my mind agree with that statement. I never felt beautiful as a child. I felt ugly, unwanted, gawky, etc, etc…. I feel beautiful most of the time now. I am beautiful, who I am is not only my body, which by the way I consider extremely sexy and see the opposite sex appreciating often, but it is the person that I am and what I can give to my world around me. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I tried to explain myself and that concept, but I think it was lost once again in the perception of how someone thought I should be. Also, in that particular person’s antiquated male view of beauty and how the heck does he know how what the fashion magazines say beauty is. I know how I should be, for God’s sake, I am 32 years old and I am content with myself as a person. I know, I really know, I have areas of my life to work on, but my body does not factor in it today. I need to be a more patient mom; I need to figure out the marriage factor, I need to continue on working on letting go of control. Screw my damn body. My belly is not flat. It was only flat one time in my life I could remember and that was right after Connor was born. Byron and I were having issues and I could not eat much so I lost a TON of weight. I did not look good. My frame does not support skinny. It supports regular woman. I Have also had no complaints from any one else about how I look. In fact I find that most men are attracted to me and find me beautiful, including my fat butt and rounded belly.
I have been emailing an old friend of mine. I guess we are no longer emailing. He said he had issues to work out. WTF? Issues? Join the club. I have no idea what that meant for him, it could be any number of things and I heave learned that my guesses are almost always incorrect. I think it is because I have always watched soap operas. I am prone to the most extreme reasons. I really wish though that he would have just come out and told me. I keep thinking of that guy that was on Oprah, the “he is just not into you guy”, well, no shit, but why. When I started emailing him again (we have been friends off and on more and less for about 5 years), it seemed like he was interested in me as a person, maybe a romantic interest, who knew. I, being myself was as open and honest as I could be. I forced myself too, because I am not into wasting my time and energy anymore with having to translate. I have enough drains. He knew about my husband, my kids, my life, etc, etc…and he was ok with it until I actually asked him out and nailed him down to a time. OK, if you just want to flirt, say, I am enjoying flirting, I want nothing more. If my life was too, much of a mess, say, man you are screwed up (say it nicer though) and give me a call when you have fewer issues. Whatever. I was having fun flirting. I was semi grateful he backed out of the “date” we had set. I mean, where was I going with that anyway? He is not my type, but sexy, attractive, funny and relaxing. I think I need to find not my type, maybe that will be my type. He informed me he had nothing to hide and could be open. I guess he went as far as he could though because the openness, including all communication stopped when he broke our “date”. Ok, to be fair to him, from my point of view, the “date” was a wedding of a friend of mine. A wedding could be viewed as high pressure, but it was not a typical church wedding. My friends are cool though, drink beer, hang out, and are non judgmental. They just like to enjoy their lives. He said he was not ready to move that far with me. I do not think I was ready to jump his bones, but I may have, who knows, it did not happen. I wanted him to want to want me. I wanted to forget about my life and have him. First and foremost, he was my friend. I wanted to just hang out with a person that had no baggage attached to my life with me. Can’t I want to relax at all? Anyway, since then, my so-called friend has dropped off of the face of the earth. He has not emailed, or responded to the few I have sent. He stopped his open and honest policy and apparently he does have something to hide from me.
My sister and her husband know him. Jill has known him as long as I have and Carl has known him as long as he has known Jill. Maybe they know him even better than I do, because I do not really know him well. I have done business with him. I have talked to him on the phone. We have shared some of our lives. I have wanted to know him at times and even got to know him more physically years ago while on a break from my husband, like I said, I find him attractive. My sister and her husband say though, that he would never find me attractive. I think the words were waif and no self-esteem. I fall into neither category. I would like to let him know what I think, how I feel, how can you just decide as an adult to not respond to someone you have been a friend with, and I think I will when I decide, probably soon because it bugs me. I want to say grow up. I am not going to crumble if you decide I am not the one for you, maybe you are not the one for me, maybe we are just getting what we need from each other for the time being, maybe not, who the hell know, but can you not expect me to read between the lines and just tell me how you feel. Who the hell is to even say it is that complicated. Can it not be complicated? Adults…it is not that tough. There is nothing to lose. I understand hiding. Whatever, who needs to hide themselves at this stage in our lives. Why not just be comfortable with ourselves and let those around us, if they want to be around us, be there. I hope though, I am smart enough to know the people I place my trust in deserve it or at least are ready for it. Honesty and kindness can work together.
Why are people afraid of sharing who they are and what they feel? Will they be struck down for being honest? Is some part of themselves going to fall off? Will the other person look at them wrong, verbally assault them, and cause them to question themselves? So what? If you are good with whom you are, why can you not tell it like it is? Why can you not find a way to be honest and kind at the same time? Consideration for others in this world is sorely lacking.
I wish I had it, I wish I knew. I wish I had a space to sleep that was not a couch. My beautiful children take up a lot of bed space and it is easier to go elsewhere for it.I dreamt of my beautiful friend Kim last night. I Love you Kim and miss that we have not been in touch as much as we should be. Darn life for overtaking everyone and what is important.

Everyday is Today

OK, I am typing this in my word program and am going to try and paste it onto my blog. Hope it works, if it does well more of me is out there.
The kids and I left five days early for Washington. Grandma is still kicking, but she is declining quickly and my mom thought it was important for us to be around her when she could still interact. I am an awful mom though. You know how kids are scared of old people, well, Grandma is really old and Connor is not so into her. I bribed him with fifteen more minutes of awake time to hug her and tell her he loved her. He did it and it made her really happy, so who really cares how it happened as long as it did. She is so offended by the kids not wanting to sit on her, kiss her, and hug her. I understand them though and I think she should after having kids, but it has been a long time for her and she may have forgotten what it is like.
I am having an awful time telecommuting. It really sucks. I cannot figure out how to get my email to send out, some problems dealing with http and pop (WTF?). I also, in my rush to get out of my house neglected to take or update my mortgage software on my laptop. So, for the last two days I have essentially been unable to work. Good thing I had most everything wrapped for a while when I left.
My sister was here with her husband and their four kids. They left today and will be back on the 10th. It was a crazy scene, 9, 7, 5, 2, 2, and 9 months. They infiltrated every aspect of the house with their noise and mess. Bedtime was hell. At home I can lay my kids in bed and they go, here I have to put them back in bed at least twenty times until I end up lying with them. It is exhausting and emotionally draining and I am usually yelling at them by the end of it, so I get to feel like a terrible mom all night while their sweet faces lay on their pillows looking so angelic. It is funny how sleep can make monster children look angelic.
I feel so weird being here, my old town, where no one I know lives anymore except family. I have no life here to keep me busy and interested and I also it is not a vacation.
I have transplanted myself to the back yard with the remaining kids. I love laptops just for this reason. I know have a glass of wine and a clove, even though I do not smoke anymore (that anyway). I made the remaining kids (9, 7, 5, and 2) come out for some fresh air and exercise. They would sit their little asses in front of the TV all day long if they we let to. It is beautiful, the world is so beautiful. It is so odd to think of how fucked up it actually is in most places when I look at my surroundings.
That fuckwit husband of mine has not called the kids or I since we left on Saturday. Odd for him, I cannot help have that old Mom thought go through my head about calling the hospitals and state patrol to find out about accidents. I am sure as hell not going to call him though. I am still emotionally torn. I wish when he comes next week for him to hold me as tight as he can and let me cry on his shoulder. If he could just tell me everything is going to be ok and make me believe it, I would love that, but I do not know if it is possible for either of us. We are both such stubborn asses and so far removed from one another’s lives that we only intersect with the kids. What are the answers, who has them and why do I not, shouldn’t I have the answers to my life? Why can the person or thing that has the answers provide me with the book to read.One of the kids just reprimanded me for smoking my clove. Yes, a very bad example I know. I bitch at the ice cream man everyday he comes by because he sells candy cigarettes to the kids. I think that is a totally inappropriate thing to have in an ice cream truck.

Insomnia

Isn't it great how the mind works. You can pretty much think something and it becomes true. Here it is too, way too, early in the morning and I can either lay in bed and not sleep or I can get up and do things and not sleep. I usually get up and find nothing to do on the computer. The thing that really sucks about this morning is, most of the time when I am unfortunate enough to be unable to sleep at this time, I have gone to bed at what I call a decent hour. Decent hours are usually before 9 p.m.. Last night I laid in bed and watched stupid TV until 12:30. It was a total waste of my time and now I wish I had just switched the darn thing off and slept. I could have then. I will need to be especially vigilant tomorrow when dealing with the kids and I will rely heavily on coffee. My patience level is going to be low, but, the coconut cream I have for the coffee is so good.
I do not remember complaining so much about being bored when I was little. My five year old is constantly complaining about nothing to do and having no one to play with. What?? Use your imagination kid and leave your tired mom alone for a few minutes. In all fairness though, he just sometimes wants to get out. Connor is one of the things that is keeping me up tonight. I know I need to get out of the house. I do not get out often enough, but whenever I go, I hear can I have this or that. Did I train him like that? Yeah, I guess I did. I am trying to figure out how to untrain him now. If you throw Miss Molinska into the deal, then it becomes a two ativan day and that is bad. Ativan impedes my ability to drink wine. I love wine and anything that hampers it is bad. I am lucky to be able to have one glass. One glass of wine is like one bite of cheesecake. It is impossible for me to do.
I was also thinking about another blog I read today, a lady who feeds her kids to the Presbyterians (Connor got sent to school with Presbyterians and Molly will go this year. If I would have known they eat kids, I would have sent Molly sooner.). I read a ways back and was shocked to hear her complain about her weight at a size 8. I can not even pull size eight jeans up my thighs. What the hell is the matter with woman. Believe me though, it is the matter with me sometimes too. The majority of the time I can revel in my body. My husband has been good for me in that way. He likes and encourages me to be bigger than I am. How lucky can one girl get? I also know that my body is utilitarian and has produced two children. The later child also pretty much wrecked it for good. I appreciate the belly hang, the road maps of stretch marks and the wider hips, but some days I wish I could travel back in time a few years and wear a size 8. I keep coming back to that more when I think about getting into dating again. I am really not into dating again yet. I do like male attention, I would like some kissing and sex too, companionship would be nice, but it is more stress on top of healing from a crappy marriage. I need to feel as though I have a little control over my life right now, even though, I am intellectually aware of the fact that no one has control. I think only my husband can look at me and actually appreciate my pregnancy ravaged body and the chronic conditions that came with bearing two kids. I mean, I did him the best turn in the world, giving him those kids. (Side note, it is 4.20.) What other man will look at those things and see the self described flaws for what they really are? I know a man is out there, but my stupid self image thing, maybe self confidence, makes me question. Everytime I go somewhere though and relax and have fun and get more into myself than my stupid marriage, I feel better about those type of things. I gain back some of my lost self. I feel like I lost a lot of self. Fuck that. Fuck him and fuck me for allowing it. While I am at it, fuck my parents for their lack of telling me what a lovely person I was inside and out. I am glad they finally got off that band wagon and can now appreciate the person I am.
I had the opportunity this past weekend to go to a wedding. Being recently separated, I feared being bitter and I did make some bitter comments but the underlying feeling, the real bitterness was not there, I just like sarcasm. It was such a affirmation of relationships for me. People can and do function together quite nicely sometimes and I am sure that, even though I am a bit off as a person, I will eventually be with someone I can function with. I left the celebration feeling so good, the energy there was so positive and loving. It just sucks admitting defeat and coming to terms with, and sticking to those terms when a relationship is ending. I am married! I got married. I chose to and now shouldn't I have to make a go of it for my entire life like I promised. I knew full well what I was getting into. The particular roller coaster of marriage, in my opinion, is not one to get off lightly. I chose the route of blinders though. That route has continually gotten me into trouble in life. I vow never to do that again. I vow to look at all important issues and if they are not addressed to my satisfaction, I vow to move on to the next toad. The older I get the more straight forward I become. Sometimes I have to force the openness, but I plan on doing just that. If I am open and honest then in turn (hopefully) a potential mate will be. OK, the right mate for me will be able to do that. I do not want any of this cryptic bullshit and having to read between the lines. I am going to be on the same damn planet as who ever I am with for a change. Say it like it is people, it can be done and still have kindness at the same time.
Our marriage counselor dumped us last week. I mean, whose counselor dumps them? Sorry, you are too fucked up, I can not help, good luck out there in the cold world. I guess she saw it. Byron does not see it. He sees us being able to keep slugging it out. He sees us (being insane like he is) having more kids. I can not believe a man that was so absent through out my pregnancies and the infancies of my kids would think that even if I wanted another kid, which I do not, that I would have one with him. I would have to be totally in love, head of heels for someone who did not have any of their own. Then, maybe a 5% chance, I would change my mind and agree to think about another kid. I am too tired as it is and for some reason, my Molly, seems to be wired a lot like me and it is very frightening. The older they get, the worse it is and the more junk to worry about. This entire school thing has taught me that I am not immune to being what I consider "that type of parent". I really, really wanted Connor to get into SAGE and thank God for answering my prayers, he did. I thought that I would be content with a neighborhood school for him, but after hearing about the wonderful school experience he could have, I needed him to be there. I would have cried, really cried, if he had not got in. It made me see that, the more opportunities that come their way, the more I am only gong to want them to have the best. I know that is natural, but not always possible, so I also want them to learn to effectively deal with not always being in the best circumstances. I know life is sometimes crappy and I want to teach them not to wallow in it if it does not work out for them the way they want it. Right now, Connor hides when things do not go his way and Molly throws whatever she has around her, then throws her body too. Neither way seems very effective to me, but I guess I sometimes hide and or throw temper tantrums, so they come by it naturally.
I have now wasted enough time so that my morning paper could be delivered. One of the positive things of insomnia is I get to sit in my quiet, straightened up home and drink my coffee without having to get up for anything and read my daily dose of horror in one sitting. Some days I am lucky to finish the damn thing before bed. It just sits open on the kitchen counter and I can maybe read a small story an hour.

Here we go!

OK, this is my first blog posting ever. I feel way more computer literate than yesterday. I do have a my space profile, but my friends who are more technologically advanced set me up. I have been reading blogs a lot today, usually I do not have that much time, but the refereeing around my home was minimal today for some unknown reason (my guess is the debilitating heat). I found I like being a voyeur. I found other people are just as or even more (from my vantage point) fucked up than I am. I need to thank my friend Rebecca for the idea. She has two blogs she never gets to. I think this is going to be great to deal with my insomnia. Instead of emailing friends who do not give a damn, I can stream of conscience here. What a great outlet.

Here we go, my day:

I woke up around six a.m. thanks to my little Molly girl. I was a bit hung over, thanks to my friend Juliana. I blame her, even though, I am well into adulthood. Molly and I communed over extra large legos and eggs until my sweet boy Connor rose from the dead (he stayed up extra late last night). I cleaned the entire house yesterday. We have one dog, Maisy and two neighbor animals that think because I am home all day, that my house is the place to be. One of those bastards brought fleas into my house and all of us are bit up. I would almost rather have the plague than fleas. I moved beds, did 20 loads of laundry and vacuumed for hours yesterday and then the damn cat showed up (I put Frontline on him last week.). I looked at his belly and fleas were crawling around like flies on shit. I fear fleas. I have seen infestations take over homes and I do not want mine to be one of them. I read you are suppose to vacuum everyday. I am trying to stop cleaning my damn house, but I am and will vacuum every day now. I am going to WA on the 1st for two weeks and I have an image in my head of my sheet jumping with those little black buggers when I go to crawl in after my vacation.

Today, I made goulash. I started it when Molly napped at around 11. She got up too early to nap at her regular time. It was pretty good, not as good as grandma's though. The only advice Grandma can give for the receipe though is put whatever is leftover in the refridgerator in it. That does not work for me. Do I have different things left in my fridge than Grandma did? Yogurt in goulash, yuck. Of Course. She had hotdogs in there for about two years. I would never put that in goulash. I love to cook and love the old German style of butter, lard, etc, but I try to make healthier changes and they do not taste as good.

Ok, the afternoon arrived and I was wishing it went faster than it did. Sometimes I am so bored just being with my kids. I feel guilty about it, but what are you suppose to do. I have kids. I can not change it. I do not want to change it. I just sometimes need to work my brain more than coloring or legos. We had a water balloon fight. The fight was hampered by my jacked up thumb. I had a fight with a wine opener the other night and my thumb lost. It is amazing what you can not do without your thumb, tying water balloons being on the list of difficult things.

Next rant: my separated husband is doing a display at the Ventura County Fair. He took the kids down there last night and I met them with dinner. They had so much fun. They were looking forward to it again tonight. He had told them he would come get them and they could go play again. OF COURSE, he got deterred and did not show up home and did not call to say he could not. The kids went to bed wishing and wondering where there Dad was and why he did not call and tell them any different. I was the awful Mom because I made them go to bed, and Connor was going to wait up until his Dad arrived because he said he would come and get him. I wish I could protect them from this flakiness, but it has been a pervasive problem and I am sure it will remain that way. I am here for them though and I do what I say, so I hope I can negate the bad that is being done. I can only do my best. Dad did call at 8:30, bedtime is 7, but he wanted to say things did not work out and blah, blah, blah, he was a loser. No shit, quit giving excuses and just do what you say you are going to. I, as an adult and a wife, know not to expect this, but stay the hell away from my kids with any plans at all because nothing ever works out and I do not want them thinking the world works that way, the world does not, just their Dad. I could go on and on and on and on. His loser manta though has stopped working, poor him, buck up little pussy, you had two kids, get over your childhood and realize their importance.

Every day though, I am gaining back self respect and confidence and I am happy to be blessed with what I have. I know I am not what I have been told. I am only what I know myself to be. It sucks that I forgot that and let it go. I am gaining though, and will continue too and I will benefit and so will my children! My children will realize the can count on and trust people in their lives.

My mom called me and told me that my Grandma finally heard what the doctor was saying when she was told that she did not have use of her human body for much longer. I would think that such a strict catholic would be at least semi ok with that. She is not. She has four wonderful, functioning children, all with functioning children of their own and even them having functional children. I believe it is time to let go. We will have a family reunion when the kids and I (Byron will join us in the last half) go to WA. My sister and her (gasp) FOUR kids will be there too. We will celebrate Grandma and her family and hopefully she will be more at peace with her body giving up. I doubt it though. I hope when I get old I do not quit learning and listening. I am sure there is such a great fear, anything unknown is, but I know I will have learned my lessons (hopefully) and can move on to learning the next ones. I talked to her just five minutes ago and she does not sound good. She was given an anti anxiety medication and does not like it. Who in the world does not like Valium, Xanax, Ativan? She says she does not, so I know something is wrong with her.

More later, I guess that is what blogging is all about. I have a lot of stuff to share, entertaining, is what one special friend to me said today. BTW I love her more than anything and am so happy for her good fortune. Cheers to all monkeys!