Here we go!

OK, this is my first blog posting ever. I feel way more computer literate than yesterday. I do have a my space profile, but my friends who are more technologically advanced set me up. I have been reading blogs a lot today, usually I do not have that much time, but the refereeing around my home was minimal today for some unknown reason (my guess is the debilitating heat). I found I like being a voyeur. I found other people are just as or even more (from my vantage point) fucked up than I am. I need to thank my friend Rebecca for the idea. She has two blogs she never gets to. I think this is going to be great to deal with my insomnia. Instead of emailing friends who do not give a damn, I can stream of conscience here. What a great outlet.

Here we go, my day:

I woke up around six a.m. thanks to my little Molly girl. I was a bit hung over, thanks to my friend Juliana. I blame her, even though, I am well into adulthood. Molly and I communed over extra large legos and eggs until my sweet boy Connor rose from the dead (he stayed up extra late last night). I cleaned the entire house yesterday. We have one dog, Maisy and two neighbor animals that think because I am home all day, that my house is the place to be. One of those bastards brought fleas into my house and all of us are bit up. I would almost rather have the plague than fleas. I moved beds, did 20 loads of laundry and vacuumed for hours yesterday and then the damn cat showed up (I put Frontline on him last week.). I looked at his belly and fleas were crawling around like flies on shit. I fear fleas. I have seen infestations take over homes and I do not want mine to be one of them. I read you are suppose to vacuum everyday. I am trying to stop cleaning my damn house, but I am and will vacuum every day now. I am going to WA on the 1st for two weeks and I have an image in my head of my sheet jumping with those little black buggers when I go to crawl in after my vacation.

Today, I made goulash. I started it when Molly napped at around 11. She got up too early to nap at her regular time. It was pretty good, not as good as grandma's though. The only advice Grandma can give for the receipe though is put whatever is leftover in the refridgerator in it. That does not work for me. Do I have different things left in my fridge than Grandma did? Yogurt in goulash, yuck. Of Course. She had hotdogs in there for about two years. I would never put that in goulash. I love to cook and love the old German style of butter, lard, etc, but I try to make healthier changes and they do not taste as good.

Ok, the afternoon arrived and I was wishing it went faster than it did. Sometimes I am so bored just being with my kids. I feel guilty about it, but what are you suppose to do. I have kids. I can not change it. I do not want to change it. I just sometimes need to work my brain more than coloring or legos. We had a water balloon fight. The fight was hampered by my jacked up thumb. I had a fight with a wine opener the other night and my thumb lost. It is amazing what you can not do without your thumb, tying water balloons being on the list of difficult things.

Next rant: my separated husband is doing a display at the Ventura County Fair. He took the kids down there last night and I met them with dinner. They had so much fun. They were looking forward to it again tonight. He had told them he would come get them and they could go play again. OF COURSE, he got deterred and did not show up home and did not call to say he could not. The kids went to bed wishing and wondering where there Dad was and why he did not call and tell them any different. I was the awful Mom because I made them go to bed, and Connor was going to wait up until his Dad arrived because he said he would come and get him. I wish I could protect them from this flakiness, but it has been a pervasive problem and I am sure it will remain that way. I am here for them though and I do what I say, so I hope I can negate the bad that is being done. I can only do my best. Dad did call at 8:30, bedtime is 7, but he wanted to say things did not work out and blah, blah, blah, he was a loser. No shit, quit giving excuses and just do what you say you are going to. I, as an adult and a wife, know not to expect this, but stay the hell away from my kids with any plans at all because nothing ever works out and I do not want them thinking the world works that way, the world does not, just their Dad. I could go on and on and on and on. His loser manta though has stopped working, poor him, buck up little pussy, you had two kids, get over your childhood and realize their importance.

Every day though, I am gaining back self respect and confidence and I am happy to be blessed with what I have. I know I am not what I have been told. I am only what I know myself to be. It sucks that I forgot that and let it go. I am gaining though, and will continue too and I will benefit and so will my children! My children will realize the can count on and trust people in their lives.

My mom called me and told me that my Grandma finally heard what the doctor was saying when she was told that she did not have use of her human body for much longer. I would think that such a strict catholic would be at least semi ok with that. She is not. She has four wonderful, functioning children, all with functioning children of their own and even them having functional children. I believe it is time to let go. We will have a family reunion when the kids and I (Byron will join us in the last half) go to WA. My sister and her (gasp) FOUR kids will be there too. We will celebrate Grandma and her family and hopefully she will be more at peace with her body giving up. I doubt it though. I hope when I get old I do not quit learning and listening. I am sure there is such a great fear, anything unknown is, but I know I will have learned my lessons (hopefully) and can move on to learning the next ones. I talked to her just five minutes ago and she does not sound good. She was given an anti anxiety medication and does not like it. Who in the world does not like Valium, Xanax, Ativan? She says she does not, so I know something is wrong with her.

More later, I guess that is what blogging is all about. I have a lot of stuff to share, entertaining, is what one special friend to me said today. BTW I love her more than anything and am so happy for her good fortune. Cheers to all monkeys!