Insomnia

Isn't it great how the mind works. You can pretty much think something and it becomes true. Here it is too, way too, early in the morning and I can either lay in bed and not sleep or I can get up and do things and not sleep. I usually get up and find nothing to do on the computer. The thing that really sucks about this morning is, most of the time when I am unfortunate enough to be unable to sleep at this time, I have gone to bed at what I call a decent hour. Decent hours are usually before 9 p.m.. Last night I laid in bed and watched stupid TV until 12:30. It was a total waste of my time and now I wish I had just switched the darn thing off and slept. I could have then. I will need to be especially vigilant tomorrow when dealing with the kids and I will rely heavily on coffee. My patience level is going to be low, but, the coconut cream I have for the coffee is so good.
I do not remember complaining so much about being bored when I was little. My five year old is constantly complaining about nothing to do and having no one to play with. What?? Use your imagination kid and leave your tired mom alone for a few minutes. In all fairness though, he just sometimes wants to get out. Connor is one of the things that is keeping me up tonight. I know I need to get out of the house. I do not get out often enough, but whenever I go, I hear can I have this or that. Did I train him like that? Yeah, I guess I did. I am trying to figure out how to untrain him now. If you throw Miss Molinska into the deal, then it becomes a two ativan day and that is bad. Ativan impedes my ability to drink wine. I love wine and anything that hampers it is bad. I am lucky to be able to have one glass. One glass of wine is like one bite of cheesecake. It is impossible for me to do.
I was also thinking about another blog I read today, a lady who feeds her kids to the Presbyterians (Connor got sent to school with Presbyterians and Molly will go this year. If I would have known they eat kids, I would have sent Molly sooner.). I read a ways back and was shocked to hear her complain about her weight at a size 8. I can not even pull size eight jeans up my thighs. What the hell is the matter with woman. Believe me though, it is the matter with me sometimes too. The majority of the time I can revel in my body. My husband has been good for me in that way. He likes and encourages me to be bigger than I am. How lucky can one girl get? I also know that my body is utilitarian and has produced two children. The later child also pretty much wrecked it for good. I appreciate the belly hang, the road maps of stretch marks and the wider hips, but some days I wish I could travel back in time a few years and wear a size 8. I keep coming back to that more when I think about getting into dating again. I am really not into dating again yet. I do like male attention, I would like some kissing and sex too, companionship would be nice, but it is more stress on top of healing from a crappy marriage. I need to feel as though I have a little control over my life right now, even though, I am intellectually aware of the fact that no one has control. I think only my husband can look at me and actually appreciate my pregnancy ravaged body and the chronic conditions that came with bearing two kids. I mean, I did him the best turn in the world, giving him those kids. (Side note, it is 4.20.) What other man will look at those things and see the self described flaws for what they really are? I know a man is out there, but my stupid self image thing, maybe self confidence, makes me question. Everytime I go somewhere though and relax and have fun and get more into myself than my stupid marriage, I feel better about those type of things. I gain back some of my lost self. I feel like I lost a lot of self. Fuck that. Fuck him and fuck me for allowing it. While I am at it, fuck my parents for their lack of telling me what a lovely person I was inside and out. I am glad they finally got off that band wagon and can now appreciate the person I am.
I had the opportunity this past weekend to go to a wedding. Being recently separated, I feared being bitter and I did make some bitter comments but the underlying feeling, the real bitterness was not there, I just like sarcasm. It was such a affirmation of relationships for me. People can and do function together quite nicely sometimes and I am sure that, even though I am a bit off as a person, I will eventually be with someone I can function with. I left the celebration feeling so good, the energy there was so positive and loving. It just sucks admitting defeat and coming to terms with, and sticking to those terms when a relationship is ending. I am married! I got married. I chose to and now shouldn't I have to make a go of it for my entire life like I promised. I knew full well what I was getting into. The particular roller coaster of marriage, in my opinion, is not one to get off lightly. I chose the route of blinders though. That route has continually gotten me into trouble in life. I vow never to do that again. I vow to look at all important issues and if they are not addressed to my satisfaction, I vow to move on to the next toad. The older I get the more straight forward I become. Sometimes I have to force the openness, but I plan on doing just that. If I am open and honest then in turn (hopefully) a potential mate will be. OK, the right mate for me will be able to do that. I do not want any of this cryptic bullshit and having to read between the lines. I am going to be on the same damn planet as who ever I am with for a change. Say it like it is people, it can be done and still have kindness at the same time.
Our marriage counselor dumped us last week. I mean, whose counselor dumps them? Sorry, you are too fucked up, I can not help, good luck out there in the cold world. I guess she saw it. Byron does not see it. He sees us being able to keep slugging it out. He sees us (being insane like he is) having more kids. I can not believe a man that was so absent through out my pregnancies and the infancies of my kids would think that even if I wanted another kid, which I do not, that I would have one with him. I would have to be totally in love, head of heels for someone who did not have any of their own. Then, maybe a 5% chance, I would change my mind and agree to think about another kid. I am too tired as it is and for some reason, my Molly, seems to be wired a lot like me and it is very frightening. The older they get, the worse it is and the more junk to worry about. This entire school thing has taught me that I am not immune to being what I consider "that type of parent". I really, really wanted Connor to get into SAGE and thank God for answering my prayers, he did. I thought that I would be content with a neighborhood school for him, but after hearing about the wonderful school experience he could have, I needed him to be there. I would have cried, really cried, if he had not got in. It made me see that, the more opportunities that come their way, the more I am only gong to want them to have the best. I know that is natural, but not always possible, so I also want them to learn to effectively deal with not always being in the best circumstances. I know life is sometimes crappy and I want to teach them not to wallow in it if it does not work out for them the way they want it. Right now, Connor hides when things do not go his way and Molly throws whatever she has around her, then throws her body too. Neither way seems very effective to me, but I guess I sometimes hide and or throw temper tantrums, so they come by it naturally.
I have now wasted enough time so that my morning paper could be delivered. One of the positive things of insomnia is I get to sit in my quiet, straightened up home and drink my coffee without having to get up for anything and read my daily dose of horror in one sitting. Some days I am lucky to finish the damn thing before bed. It just sits open on the kitchen counter and I can maybe read a small story an hour.

Here we go!

OK, this is my first blog posting ever. I feel way more computer literate than yesterday. I do have a my space profile, but my friends who are more technologically advanced set me up. I have been reading blogs a lot today, usually I do not have that much time, but the refereeing around my home was minimal today for some unknown reason (my guess is the debilitating heat). I found I like being a voyeur. I found other people are just as or even more (from my vantage point) fucked up than I am. I need to thank my friend Rebecca for the idea. She has two blogs she never gets to. I think this is going to be great to deal with my insomnia. Instead of emailing friends who do not give a damn, I can stream of conscience here. What a great outlet.

Here we go, my day:

I woke up around six a.m. thanks to my little Molly girl. I was a bit hung over, thanks to my friend Juliana. I blame her, even though, I am well into adulthood. Molly and I communed over extra large legos and eggs until my sweet boy Connor rose from the dead (he stayed up extra late last night). I cleaned the entire house yesterday. We have one dog, Maisy and two neighbor animals that think because I am home all day, that my house is the place to be. One of those bastards brought fleas into my house and all of us are bit up. I would almost rather have the plague than fleas. I moved beds, did 20 loads of laundry and vacuumed for hours yesterday and then the damn cat showed up (I put Frontline on him last week.). I looked at his belly and fleas were crawling around like flies on shit. I fear fleas. I have seen infestations take over homes and I do not want mine to be one of them. I read you are suppose to vacuum everyday. I am trying to stop cleaning my damn house, but I am and will vacuum every day now. I am going to WA on the 1st for two weeks and I have an image in my head of my sheet jumping with those little black buggers when I go to crawl in after my vacation.

Today, I made goulash. I started it when Molly napped at around 11. She got up too early to nap at her regular time. It was pretty good, not as good as grandma's though. The only advice Grandma can give for the receipe though is put whatever is leftover in the refridgerator in it. That does not work for me. Do I have different things left in my fridge than Grandma did? Yogurt in goulash, yuck. Of Course. She had hotdogs in there for about two years. I would never put that in goulash. I love to cook and love the old German style of butter, lard, etc, but I try to make healthier changes and they do not taste as good.

Ok, the afternoon arrived and I was wishing it went faster than it did. Sometimes I am so bored just being with my kids. I feel guilty about it, but what are you suppose to do. I have kids. I can not change it. I do not want to change it. I just sometimes need to work my brain more than coloring or legos. We had a water balloon fight. The fight was hampered by my jacked up thumb. I had a fight with a wine opener the other night and my thumb lost. It is amazing what you can not do without your thumb, tying water balloons being on the list of difficult things.

Next rant: my separated husband is doing a display at the Ventura County Fair. He took the kids down there last night and I met them with dinner. They had so much fun. They were looking forward to it again tonight. He had told them he would come get them and they could go play again. OF COURSE, he got deterred and did not show up home and did not call to say he could not. The kids went to bed wishing and wondering where there Dad was and why he did not call and tell them any different. I was the awful Mom because I made them go to bed, and Connor was going to wait up until his Dad arrived because he said he would come and get him. I wish I could protect them from this flakiness, but it has been a pervasive problem and I am sure it will remain that way. I am here for them though and I do what I say, so I hope I can negate the bad that is being done. I can only do my best. Dad did call at 8:30, bedtime is 7, but he wanted to say things did not work out and blah, blah, blah, he was a loser. No shit, quit giving excuses and just do what you say you are going to. I, as an adult and a wife, know not to expect this, but stay the hell away from my kids with any plans at all because nothing ever works out and I do not want them thinking the world works that way, the world does not, just their Dad. I could go on and on and on and on. His loser manta though has stopped working, poor him, buck up little pussy, you had two kids, get over your childhood and realize their importance.

Every day though, I am gaining back self respect and confidence and I am happy to be blessed with what I have. I know I am not what I have been told. I am only what I know myself to be. It sucks that I forgot that and let it go. I am gaining though, and will continue too and I will benefit and so will my children! My children will realize the can count on and trust people in their lives.

My mom called me and told me that my Grandma finally heard what the doctor was saying when she was told that she did not have use of her human body for much longer. I would think that such a strict catholic would be at least semi ok with that. She is not. She has four wonderful, functioning children, all with functioning children of their own and even them having functional children. I believe it is time to let go. We will have a family reunion when the kids and I (Byron will join us in the last half) go to WA. My sister and her (gasp) FOUR kids will be there too. We will celebrate Grandma and her family and hopefully she will be more at peace with her body giving up. I doubt it though. I hope when I get old I do not quit learning and listening. I am sure there is such a great fear, anything unknown is, but I know I will have learned my lessons (hopefully) and can move on to learning the next ones. I talked to her just five minutes ago and she does not sound good. She was given an anti anxiety medication and does not like it. Who in the world does not like Valium, Xanax, Ativan? She says she does not, so I know something is wrong with her.

More later, I guess that is what blogging is all about. I have a lot of stuff to share, entertaining, is what one special friend to me said today. BTW I love her more than anything and am so happy for her good fortune. Cheers to all monkeys!