I am certain that the teachers and staff at Connor's school are all interested in seeing what kind of stress the parents can handle. Today begins the two day, all school camp out. Yes, folks, that's right, 220 kids and their parents AND siblings all running around in the same area. The best part about it being a school function is you can not drink or smoke. Who goes camping and does not drink or smoke? Those are mine, and everyone I go with, main activities while camping. Only one person is left sober to drag the others behind the boat. My only recourse is to substitute with Ativan. I like that stuff. Just one teeny tiny white pill and all of my irritations are gone. Maybe if the pill was bigger, it could make Byron disappear. Is that possible? Maybe I should learn some magic or something and try it out.
I would like to give a nod to a blog I read the other day, but I do not remember what it was. The author coined (or maybe stole too) the class code of HOE 101. It stands for Hell on Earth 101 all of you non college people. The next two days will include the intensive testing to see if we all can pass to HOE 102, or maybe even jump to HOE 210. I am glad that Connor got involved in such a wonderful school with such great ideas! I guess, just like life, it is the double edge sword.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
All That I'm Good For Is You
I wish I could put that forth into the universe as action at all times. I found myself places where I know are not good for anyone involved. Life is a complicated place. As much good as I can do for anyone, I am trying.
I have been acting extremely selfish lately. The established rules of my life no longer work for more than a while and so I am once again redefining things. I have continued to almost a fault, my no lying policy. My friend told me the other day that a lie is like a cancer and I firmly agree. It can flood into every part of your body, take over, and destroy all the good you have. I see another side too, though, I believe lies of omission are just as much of a lie, but if telling a person something is only for the good for the teller, than why? If hurting and damaging another person is the ultimate outcome than it is better just to swallow your lie and move forward. Get the cancerous lie and work on healing it on your own. Hopefully it is a lessoned learned.
I recently offered the info to Byron that I will begin dating again. He was not very happy and after an hour and a half of conversation, more like arguing (I was even followed into the shower), it eventually boiled down to, he hoped I never in my life realized what a mistake I was making in destroying our family. Will I? Will he ever realize the damage he has done to his family also?
I do not think I would make this step unless my family (or as it is defined by my marriage right now) was not already destroyed. This is just a final step to moving forward. It does feel kind of selfish though. I am having fun, enjoying myself, and that is not something that I have not done in an adult, opposite sex, relationship realm for a long time. I flirted with my internet friend for a few months this Spring and Summer, but we never (other than for two minutes one time) talked on the telephone with each other. We used to talk on the phone more than several times a day when we first met and when we were not looking at each other as dating potential. I did not want to or was not able to allow myself to bring it more into reality than the computer this last time. This week though, I have reality. Scary? fuck yes, plus a bunch of other emotions mixed in. The most difficult part was in the telling of the person I promised to love and cherish and honor, even though we have been "separated" for some time now. That damn promise thing gets me every time. What kind of person am I if I do not follow through with what I say? I firmly believe though, that neither of us ever followed those damn vows. I was so sick on the day of my wedding, throwing up and all, I was not even hungover. I was in beautiful warm irie Jamaica about to volunteer myself to a person I knew all about and all I cold do is throw up. Talk about ignoring the signs. It feels like we could only love and respect one another for short periods at a time. Why, when looking at our wonderful life, our children, our home, our animals, all the hard work we have done together are we still so stupid and stubborn as to not get it. I am not good for him. I can not even allow myself to be anymore. Yes, I am still on this old same OLD bullshit. My oldest friend in the world said to me the other day, the first year he was everything you ever wanted and he treated you like you were the only woman in the world, but the last seven you have been only there to take care of the running of the day to day activities and he has not bothered to see you past that, unless you were bitching about something. I think though, that there have been periods of time where it has been different. I want to be pessimistic and say, yah, maybe if you put all the time together in the last seven years, the good parts would add up to about a month of time, but in reality, it is probably about a years worth of time. What the hell? Is that normal (based on whatever normal is)? I asked my stepdad when I was having a cigarette with him on the porch if he knew anyone who was happily married. He said back in the eighties when he lived in Metaline Falls. WTF??? Over twenties years ago he knew one couple who was happy. Why? Can anyone answer why the grass always seems to be greener? Can no human being put another before themselves anymore? First our spouses become disposable...When will it be our kids. It already is our kids for some people. They are just not the majority yet like the spouses are.
On another note, I hate the damn computer....I tried to upload some pictures and am too stupid to figure it out. Once again, maybe I should not have copied in my college computer classes, paid more attention, and smoked less.
I have been acting extremely selfish lately. The established rules of my life no longer work for more than a while and so I am once again redefining things. I have continued to almost a fault, my no lying policy. My friend told me the other day that a lie is like a cancer and I firmly agree. It can flood into every part of your body, take over, and destroy all the good you have. I see another side too, though, I believe lies of omission are just as much of a lie, but if telling a person something is only for the good for the teller, than why? If hurting and damaging another person is the ultimate outcome than it is better just to swallow your lie and move forward. Get the cancerous lie and work on healing it on your own. Hopefully it is a lessoned learned.
I recently offered the info to Byron that I will begin dating again. He was not very happy and after an hour and a half of conversation, more like arguing (I was even followed into the shower), it eventually boiled down to, he hoped I never in my life realized what a mistake I was making in destroying our family. Will I? Will he ever realize the damage he has done to his family also?
I do not think I would make this step unless my family (or as it is defined by my marriage right now) was not already destroyed. This is just a final step to moving forward. It does feel kind of selfish though. I am having fun, enjoying myself, and that is not something that I have not done in an adult, opposite sex, relationship realm for a long time. I flirted with my internet friend for a few months this Spring and Summer, but we never (other than for two minutes one time) talked on the telephone with each other. We used to talk on the phone more than several times a day when we first met and when we were not looking at each other as dating potential. I did not want to or was not able to allow myself to bring it more into reality than the computer this last time. This week though, I have reality. Scary? fuck yes, plus a bunch of other emotions mixed in. The most difficult part was in the telling of the person I promised to love and cherish and honor, even though we have been "separated" for some time now. That damn promise thing gets me every time. What kind of person am I if I do not follow through with what I say? I firmly believe though, that neither of us ever followed those damn vows. I was so sick on the day of my wedding, throwing up and all, I was not even hungover. I was in beautiful warm irie Jamaica about to volunteer myself to a person I knew all about and all I cold do is throw up. Talk about ignoring the signs. It feels like we could only love and respect one another for short periods at a time. Why, when looking at our wonderful life, our children, our home, our animals, all the hard work we have done together are we still so stupid and stubborn as to not get it. I am not good for him. I can not even allow myself to be anymore. Yes, I am still on this old same OLD bullshit. My oldest friend in the world said to me the other day, the first year he was everything you ever wanted and he treated you like you were the only woman in the world, but the last seven you have been only there to take care of the running of the day to day activities and he has not bothered to see you past that, unless you were bitching about something. I think though, that there have been periods of time where it has been different. I want to be pessimistic and say, yah, maybe if you put all the time together in the last seven years, the good parts would add up to about a month of time, but in reality, it is probably about a years worth of time. What the hell? Is that normal (based on whatever normal is)? I asked my stepdad when I was having a cigarette with him on the porch if he knew anyone who was happily married. He said back in the eighties when he lived in Metaline Falls. WTF??? Over twenties years ago he knew one couple who was happy. Why? Can anyone answer why the grass always seems to be greener? Can no human being put another before themselves anymore? First our spouses become disposable...When will it be our kids. It already is our kids for some people. They are just not the majority yet like the spouses are.
On another note, I hate the damn computer....I tried to upload some pictures and am too stupid to figure it out. Once again, maybe I should not have copied in my college computer classes, paid more attention, and smoked less.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Truth
If only I could figure out the truths of my life. I find myself doing more and more things to get away from it now. I spent all summer on self reflection and now I am throwing myself into outside endeavors. Good or bad? Both I think. I was too depressed seeing inside my head all of the time, now I am not depressed about seeing inside my head, and am looking to accomplish things in the world, looking around the world depresses me. It is tough having higher reasoning. My kitties have it so much easier. They are having gender identity issues though now. I found out yesterday after taking them to be spayed, that they needed to actually be neutered. Oops, I don't look between their legs. I just took the word of the person who gave them to me. Their names are sticking though, Johnny Cash had a boy named Sue, so why can't we.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Old Age
This weather is making my joints ache. I am trying lately to limp on both legs. My old broken left foot aches and my old broken right knee does too! What the hell? I have already hit the arthritic stage at the ripe old age of 32. Thirty two and a little over a half to be honest. I wonder what my body will feel like in five more years, will I have to use a walker? Hopefully the only time the aching will come is when the weather changes occur and they will not come more often.
I was also thinking today that I must be really really old, because a person that I once made out with and did some heavy petting with has died. I actually had sexual contact with a dead person (not while they were dead, but they are dead now)! How many woman my age can say that. Granted for a long time, I have gone for men about 10-15 years older than myself, but no more. I am looking at the 21-28 range now, more energy, stamina, what have you. Granted a lot more immature, but age is no guarantee and the men that are now 10-15 years old than me are no longer attractive to me. My body has aged but my mind has not. I would say it has expanded, but my attractiveness ideals have stayed fairly constant. I think it will be easier to keep my dating separate from my kids while dating younger men also. They, in general, are not so interested in kids yet and that is good. I want no one else around my two imps without at least two years of dating under our belts. Ok, maybe a bit extreme, but I am new to this.
I was also thinking today that I must be really really old, because a person that I once made out with and did some heavy petting with has died. I actually had sexual contact with a dead person (not while they were dead, but they are dead now)! How many woman my age can say that. Granted for a long time, I have gone for men about 10-15 years older than myself, but no more. I am looking at the 21-28 range now, more energy, stamina, what have you. Granted a lot more immature, but age is no guarantee and the men that are now 10-15 years old than me are no longer attractive to me. My body has aged but my mind has not. I would say it has expanded, but my attractiveness ideals have stayed fairly constant. I think it will be easier to keep my dating separate from my kids while dating younger men also. They, in general, are not so interested in kids yet and that is good. I want no one else around my two imps without at least two years of dating under our belts. Ok, maybe a bit extreme, but I am new to this.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Sobriety
I was already in bed tonight and ready to go to sleep when I starting thinking about how I have been ignoring my blog. Granted this all started due to my insomnia which has now subsided, hopefully for a good long time, but I did enjoy writing and I did find it cathartic, so I am now up and at the computer again.
I have been sober, free of all chemicals, for a week now. I was also sober for the weekdays the week before that. My children were not with me and went camping over labor day, so in that time period I did have a few drinks. I even went wine tasting. I have been to parties, hung out with my friends, out to dinner and even out to sushi. I had not one drop of sake, plum wine, Sapporo or even cared that I did not have any of those things. I have not avoided situations where I have previously drank nor have I felt the need to in order not to drink. The first week, the one before Labor Day, the first two nights I did think about wine when I started dinner because that was my habit. This lack of want I have going on now and how easily it all took place has led me to believe I had less of an issue with it all than I once thought. I know I add these things to my life to combat the boredom. I could have chosen exercise or scrapbooking, but I do not like those things and am not interested. I do like wine and I do like beer, I think they taste good and I like being buzzy. I also know I like the lack of focus it gives me on the crappy things I have going on. The crappy things are much easier to ignore when you are sitting on the couch with a glass of wine by yourself than when you are sitting on the couch, well, just by yourself. The lack of drinking is making my relationship with Byron more difficult. I have less to occupy my time with out it and so I work more on figuring out how to make my life better for me. Sucks for Byron.
I like that my belly is becoming flat again without me doing anything out of the ordinary, that is a good side effect. Maybe my ass will lift off the top of my legs too, but I can hardly count on that and believe it to be a pipe dream.
What really sucks for Byron is the reason I stopped it all is so he will have no legs to stand on when he comes after me for my kids. Me not drinking takes away all of the questionable parts of my parenting. To me and to those who know me, it was never in question, but anything can be given an ugly head of it's own if someone wants it. I feel superior now to him, he drinks, he smokes, he goes to titty bars, he does not do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it and none of those things live in MY back yard. HA! I may be a bitch, but who can fault me for that after living with him for eight years, he could turn even Mother Mary with his behavior.
I feel great now that the little bauble in my self confidence has come out.
I do not feel my attitude is good though for my marriage, but I do not really want it to be. I feel the need to be accommodated for a while. Whether or not that is going to happen is another story. He tells me that the kids and I are the most important thing to him and he will do anything, so I guess I am out to make him prove how important we actually are, put your money where your mouth is man. I am on a total jag and know I am not making it easy, but after everything, all the horrible, stupid, awful, degrading, belittling, non caring things that have happened I feel deserving of my bitchiness toward him and also deserving of the hard line I am drawing. If you really do want me and want to be with me, then more than a little effort is going to be called for.
Now, I am off to bed.
I have been sober, free of all chemicals, for a week now. I was also sober for the weekdays the week before that. My children were not with me and went camping over labor day, so in that time period I did have a few drinks. I even went wine tasting. I have been to parties, hung out with my friends, out to dinner and even out to sushi. I had not one drop of sake, plum wine, Sapporo or even cared that I did not have any of those things. I have not avoided situations where I have previously drank nor have I felt the need to in order not to drink. The first week, the one before Labor Day, the first two nights I did think about wine when I started dinner because that was my habit. This lack of want I have going on now and how easily it all took place has led me to believe I had less of an issue with it all than I once thought. I know I add these things to my life to combat the boredom. I could have chosen exercise or scrapbooking, but I do not like those things and am not interested. I do like wine and I do like beer, I think they taste good and I like being buzzy. I also know I like the lack of focus it gives me on the crappy things I have going on. The crappy things are much easier to ignore when you are sitting on the couch with a glass of wine by yourself than when you are sitting on the couch, well, just by yourself. The lack of drinking is making my relationship with Byron more difficult. I have less to occupy my time with out it and so I work more on figuring out how to make my life better for me. Sucks for Byron.
I like that my belly is becoming flat again without me doing anything out of the ordinary, that is a good side effect. Maybe my ass will lift off the top of my legs too, but I can hardly count on that and believe it to be a pipe dream.
What really sucks for Byron is the reason I stopped it all is so he will have no legs to stand on when he comes after me for my kids. Me not drinking takes away all of the questionable parts of my parenting. To me and to those who know me, it was never in question, but anything can be given an ugly head of it's own if someone wants it. I feel superior now to him, he drinks, he smokes, he goes to titty bars, he does not do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it and none of those things live in MY back yard. HA! I may be a bitch, but who can fault me for that after living with him for eight years, he could turn even Mother Mary with his behavior.
I feel great now that the little bauble in my self confidence has come out.
I do not feel my attitude is good though for my marriage, but I do not really want it to be. I feel the need to be accommodated for a while. Whether or not that is going to happen is another story. He tells me that the kids and I are the most important thing to him and he will do anything, so I guess I am out to make him prove how important we actually are, put your money where your mouth is man. I am on a total jag and know I am not making it easy, but after everything, all the horrible, stupid, awful, degrading, belittling, non caring things that have happened I feel deserving of my bitchiness toward him and also deserving of the hard line I am drawing. If you really do want me and want to be with me, then more than a little effort is going to be called for.
Now, I am off to bed.
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