All That I'm Good For Is You

I wish I could put that forth into the universe as action at all times. I found myself places where I know are not good for anyone involved. Life is a complicated place. As much good as I can do for anyone, I am trying.
I have been acting extremely selfish lately. The established rules of my life no longer work for more than a while and so I am once again redefining things. I have continued to almost a fault, my no lying policy. My friend told me the other day that a lie is like a cancer and I firmly agree. It can flood into every part of your body, take over, and destroy all the good you have. I see another side too, though, I believe lies of omission are just as much of a lie, but if telling a person something is only for the good for the teller, than why? If hurting and damaging another person is the ultimate outcome than it is better just to swallow your lie and move forward. Get the cancerous lie and work on healing it on your own. Hopefully it is a lessoned learned.
I recently offered the info to Byron that I will begin dating again. He was not very happy and after an hour and a half of conversation, more like arguing (I was even followed into the shower), it eventually boiled down to, he hoped I never in my life realized what a mistake I was making in destroying our family. Will I? Will he ever realize the damage he has done to his family also?
I do not think I would make this step unless my family (or as it is defined by my marriage right now) was not already destroyed. This is just a final step to moving forward. It does feel kind of selfish though. I am having fun, enjoying myself, and that is not something that I have not done in an adult, opposite sex, relationship realm for a long time. I flirted with my internet friend for a few months this Spring and Summer, but we never (other than for two minutes one time) talked on the telephone with each other. We used to talk on the phone more than several times a day when we first met and when we were not looking at each other as dating potential. I did not want to or was not able to allow myself to bring it more into reality than the computer this last time. This week though, I have reality. Scary? fuck yes, plus a bunch of other emotions mixed in. The most difficult part was in the telling of the person I promised to love and cherish and honor, even though we have been "separated" for some time now. That damn promise thing gets me every time. What kind of person am I if I do not follow through with what I say? I firmly believe though, that neither of us ever followed those damn vows. I was so sick on the day of my wedding, throwing up and all, I was not even hungover. I was in beautiful warm irie Jamaica about to volunteer myself to a person I knew all about and all I cold do is throw up. Talk about ignoring the signs. It feels like we could only love and respect one another for short periods at a time. Why, when looking at our wonderful life, our children, our home, our animals, all the hard work we have done together are we still so stupid and stubborn as to not get it. I am not good for him. I can not even allow myself to be anymore. Yes, I am still on this old same OLD bullshit. My oldest friend in the world said to me the other day, the first year he was everything you ever wanted and he treated you like you were the only woman in the world, but the last seven you have been only there to take care of the running of the day to day activities and he has not bothered to see you past that, unless you were bitching about something. I think though, that there have been periods of time where it has been different. I want to be pessimistic and say, yah, maybe if you put all the time together in the last seven years, the good parts would add up to about a month of time, but in reality, it is probably about a years worth of time. What the hell? Is that normal (based on whatever normal is)? I asked my stepdad when I was having a cigarette with him on the porch if he knew anyone who was happily married. He said back in the eighties when he lived in Metaline Falls. WTF??? Over twenties years ago he knew one couple who was happy. Why? Can anyone answer why the grass always seems to be greener? Can no human being put another before themselves anymore? First our spouses become disposable...When will it be our kids. It already is our kids for some people. They are just not the majority yet like the spouses are.

On another note, I hate the damn computer....I tried to upload some pictures and am too stupid to figure it out. Once again, maybe I should not have copied in my college computer classes, paid more attention, and smoked less.