Sobriety

I was already in bed tonight and ready to go to sleep when I starting thinking about how I have been ignoring my blog. Granted this all started due to my insomnia which has now subsided, hopefully for a good long time, but I did enjoy writing and I did find it cathartic, so I am now up and at the computer again.
I have been sober, free of all chemicals, for a week now. I was also sober for the weekdays the week before that. My children were not with me and went camping over labor day, so in that time period I did have a few drinks. I even went wine tasting. I have been to parties, hung out with my friends, out to dinner and even out to sushi. I had not one drop of sake, plum wine, Sapporo or even cared that I did not have any of those things. I have not avoided situations where I have previously drank nor have I felt the need to in order not to drink. The first week, the one before Labor Day, the first two nights I did think about wine when I started dinner because that was my habit. This lack of want I have going on now and how easily it all took place has led me to believe I had less of an issue with it all than I once thought. I know I add these things to my life to combat the boredom. I could have chosen exercise or scrapbooking, but I do not like those things and am not interested. I do like wine and I do like beer, I think they taste good and I like being buzzy. I also know I like the lack of focus it gives me on the crappy things I have going on. The crappy things are much easier to ignore when you are sitting on the couch with a glass of wine by yourself than when you are sitting on the couch, well, just by yourself. The lack of drinking is making my relationship with Byron more difficult. I have less to occupy my time with out it and so I work more on figuring out how to make my life better for me. Sucks for Byron.
I like that my belly is becoming flat again without me doing anything out of the ordinary, that is a good side effect. Maybe my ass will lift off the top of my legs too, but I can hardly count on that and believe it to be a pipe dream.
What really sucks for Byron is the reason I stopped it all is so he will have no legs to stand on when he comes after me for my kids. Me not drinking takes away all of the questionable parts of my parenting. To me and to those who know me, it was never in question, but anything can be given an ugly head of it's own if someone wants it. I feel superior now to him, he drinks, he smokes, he goes to titty bars, he does not do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it and none of those things live in MY back yard. HA! I may be a bitch, but who can fault me for that after living with him for eight years, he could turn even Mother Mary with his behavior.
I feel great now that the little bauble in my self confidence has come out.
I do not feel my attitude is good though for my marriage, but I do not really want it to be. I feel the need to be accommodated for a while. Whether or not that is going to happen is another story. He tells me that the kids and I are the most important thing to him and he will do anything, so I guess I am out to make him prove how important we actually are, put your money where your mouth is man. I am on a total jag and know I am not making it easy, but after everything, all the horrible, stupid, awful, degrading, belittling, non caring things that have happened I feel deserving of my bitchiness toward him and also deserving of the hard line I am drawing. If you really do want me and want to be with me, then more than a little effort is going to be called for.
Now, I am off to bed.