Geez Louise.
Aren't I articulate?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Ovulation
Being a woman is sometimes the most awful thing in the world. I am so bitchy and irritated right now. My house is not clean enough, my kids are not fast enough, my animals get too much hair eveywhere. The mundane everyday dealings with life, that take any sort of patience at all have crawled under my skin and pissed me off.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Extra Martial Relationships
My lovely soon to be ex-husband told me today that he knew about all of the other relationships I have been having in my life. I asked him what relationships? He said "you know what I am talking about.". OK, no I do not, I wish I had extra relationships. I wish there was a man in my life that I could sustain a conversation with. If it can not be the man I had two children with and promised to love forever, what man can fill that place? Holy shit, that is a tall order to fill. I think that my kids are the most scary part of the divorce for me. I am ok to move ahead, my children are the major casualties. No other man will feel as much emotion as I do for my children than Byron. I know there are wonderful people who love other people's children, but never the same as if they came from you. Extra relationships would be welcome. Apply here please. I am a selfish woman and would like attention, I think I mentioned before too, sex, I would like sex, and holding, and kissing, and the movies, and pizza on the couch. How the hell did an educated successful woman like myself end up with a man who thinks she is a piece of dirt. I sometimes fear that if I feel something, I will to easily communicate it to someone else. I consider that honest and being true to and open about yourself and your feelings. I am under the distinct impression that many others find it scary and disconcerting. WTF? Do people not want to know the way it is for others? Isn't that the insight we are searching for in our lives, the match, the mate, the one that will relate to us as if we had no fear?
Friday, August 18, 2006
Blog Porn
Ok, whoever keeps leaving the anonymous porn links, please do not. If I am interested in finding porn on the internet I will do so without any link on my blog. Porn is subjective and personal so leave me to myself.
Thank you for your patience and understanding (you internet porn pusher).
Thank you for your patience and understanding (you internet porn pusher).
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I Am No One You Know
I am no one you know is a title of a book by Joyce Carol Oats. It is a collection of short stories. I started reading it, but had to leave it at my mom's. I like the message the title conveys. I am no one you know, even if you are my friend. It is amazing how little we comprehend, I mean really comprehend one another. Wow, I am feeling screwed up by that. I would like to think there are people out there that know me, ME. I feel there are maybe a handful of women... Beautiful, wonderful, life sustaining women. Did God play a trick on us and allow only other females to feel the "same"? Then God had the audacity to make me heterosexual. What did I screw up to deserve that kind of Karma? Wow, if my husband could feel me, than maybe he would never be my ex-husband. I think TV is the devil because it allows (ok media in general) us to think that others think like us. No one thinks like I do, like I said, only a few understand. My husband and I, no matter how much I try to continue to delude myself, will ever think anything alike. We will, until the day we die, look at the same thing happening in a park and come up with two totally different interpretations. I really truly and sincerely believe that there will never be a man, a significant other in my life, that will ever understand me and see the same scene as I do. If I did, I would have been divorced from my husband in month three instead of still sitting here rounding up year three. In three more month's I will have been married four years. I will have been in a relationship with the same man for eight years, with only about a total of 9 weeks of real honest to goodness separation. Thinking about it gives me such a mix of feelings, disbelief, old, worn, tired, sometimes accomplishment. I think disbelief is in the front though.
I am no one you know. I know no one . I do not know you, any of you, not even my children. They think different than I do, different than their father, their friends, and you. Every human being on this earth thinks differently than every other human being. Sick. And to top it off, I feel stupid. I feel stupid because sometimes I forget it. I fall into a comfortable place where I think I am actually felt in this life. I actually think I am gotten, but then, I am really not. Am I mental or what? I call it inconsiderate of others, but I guess that is totally true, no one thinks like anyone else, so they do not consider another's feelings. How would it be possible?
Feeling low. Obviously.
I am no one you know. I know no one . I do not know you, any of you, not even my children. They think different than I do, different than their father, their friends, and you. Every human being on this earth thinks differently than every other human being. Sick. And to top it off, I feel stupid. I feel stupid because sometimes I forget it. I fall into a comfortable place where I think I am actually felt in this life. I actually think I am gotten, but then, I am really not. Am I mental or what? I call it inconsiderate of others, but I guess that is totally true, no one thinks like anyone else, so they do not consider another's feelings. How would it be possible?
Feeling low. Obviously.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Easy Living
‘Waltz” by Fiona Apple
If you don’t have a song to sing
You’re ok
You know how to get along humming
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
-Cause it’s just what you must do and
Nobody does it anymore
No, I don’t believe in the wasting of time
But I don’t believe that I am wasting mine
If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
(And I’d sure appreciate it)
Everyone else’s goal’s
To get big-headed
Why should I follow that beat,
Being that I’m
Better than fine
Fiona’s new CD is a wonderful mix of what her imagination and voice can do. I have been listening to it almost every day since Byron bought it. It is no longer his, I have taken over possession. It rivals my love for Hem, Rabbit Songs.
I am on my own, beginning today, until Tuesday. I really feel like I am on vacation. I am alone in a home stocked with anything I could need or want, in a town where I know, where I have enough people with love for me. I love sitting in this chair and not moving for another soul except myself! Selfish, yes, but I deserve it. I will have to work tomorrow and I will. It will be easy to get done, no one around to ask for one thing or another, no cleaning to do (my mom is lucky enough to have a housekeeper, who happens to be my oldest friend in the world).
I spent the majority of my day on memory lane. My best friend has driven me around the area I grew up in. My little Miss Kasey, so kindly gave up her morning and afternoon to drive the old back roads and reminisce with me. I really enjoyed it. I was happy to leave that town. Silver Lake is its name. It was a different lifetime for me. I have found that the memories on memory lane have dulled and gone somewhere into the recesses of my brain that I no longer have access to. Blessing or no? I consider my lack of memory a blessing. I have been happier and more forgiving than I would ever be if I had a long memory. If I did not peer through the rose colored glasses my life may have felt different to me. The rose colored glasses have put me here, with good feelings of my past and what it has provided me with. I have had good and bad and awful and wonderful things happen to me, but I am very satisfied that the overall feeling that comes into my life is contentment, happiness, mostly joy….
Speaking of joy, I am sitting in a soft chair, having a glass of Syrah, and looking out the window at beautiful, large (I could get poetic and say majestic) trees. My mom lives on a lake, prime-viewing spot in town. She has taken, with her wonderful husband, my children and my sister’s to another lake that is not anywhere near here. I am praying their camping trip provides them with as much pleasure it is providing me with. Tomorrow I will remember what it feels like to sleep past 6:30 am. Pleasure, pleasure, all around.
If you don’t have a song to sing
You’re ok
You know how to get along humming
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
-Cause it’s just what you must do and
Nobody does it anymore
No, I don’t believe in the wasting of time
But I don’t believe that I am wasting mine
If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
(And I’d sure appreciate it)
Everyone else’s goal’s
To get big-headed
Why should I follow that beat,
Being that I’m
Better than fine
Fiona’s new CD is a wonderful mix of what her imagination and voice can do. I have been listening to it almost every day since Byron bought it. It is no longer his, I have taken over possession. It rivals my love for Hem, Rabbit Songs.
I am on my own, beginning today, until Tuesday. I really feel like I am on vacation. I am alone in a home stocked with anything I could need or want, in a town where I know, where I have enough people with love for me. I love sitting in this chair and not moving for another soul except myself! Selfish, yes, but I deserve it. I will have to work tomorrow and I will. It will be easy to get done, no one around to ask for one thing or another, no cleaning to do (my mom is lucky enough to have a housekeeper, who happens to be my oldest friend in the world).
I spent the majority of my day on memory lane. My best friend has driven me around the area I grew up in. My little Miss Kasey, so kindly gave up her morning and afternoon to drive the old back roads and reminisce with me. I really enjoyed it. I was happy to leave that town. Silver Lake is its name. It was a different lifetime for me. I have found that the memories on memory lane have dulled and gone somewhere into the recesses of my brain that I no longer have access to. Blessing or no? I consider my lack of memory a blessing. I have been happier and more forgiving than I would ever be if I had a long memory. If I did not peer through the rose colored glasses my life may have felt different to me. The rose colored glasses have put me here, with good feelings of my past and what it has provided me with. I have had good and bad and awful and wonderful things happen to me, but I am very satisfied that the overall feeling that comes into my life is contentment, happiness, mostly joy….
Speaking of joy, I am sitting in a soft chair, having a glass of Syrah, and looking out the window at beautiful, large (I could get poetic and say majestic) trees. My mom lives on a lake, prime-viewing spot in town. She has taken, with her wonderful husband, my children and my sister’s to another lake that is not anywhere near here. I am praying their camping trip provides them with as much pleasure it is providing me with. Tomorrow I will remember what it feels like to sleep past 6:30 am. Pleasure, pleasure, all around.
What, no internet connection?
There is no hope at all for an internet connection here. It is close to midnight and I am at my Dad’s and stepmoms. They live out in the back forty, which I think is wonderful. I am slowing down now and having a beer, when vodka has been at my side most of the day. I have had a nice relaxing time and so have the kids. My sisters two oldest are here as well as my own and we have had nothing but fun today. I will do my magic and cut and paste this one too. I just finished setting up the kitchen for the morning. There is really nothing like a clean and ready to go kitchen when you wake up. It is so nice to either set the coffee pot to go on at a certain time or just have it ready to flip the switch when you wake up. The dishes from the night before are all clean, dry and put away. For some reason, maybe a sick reason (part of my OCD), I think this is good and makes your next day start out better.
The kids swam in the river today, or more like played, Connor swam and I waded out to my chest, deep enough to pee out the vodka and orange juice. Molly, not so interested in that, Kaili, interested, but too cold for her to actually swim, Connor only swam because he fell and had to swim, the rocks were slippery, and Jalen, he waded around and saw what the river had to offer. The river had crawdads, mud daubers, skippers, and all sorts of things hidden that the kids had no idea about. They loved it and I felt like they were in school, all clustered around a pool that was stagnant and kept all of the offerings of the river. The caught in cups, talked, squealed, laughed and over all had a very good time. My Dad and I talked about them, their small bodies, their personalities, and their beauty. I love understanding their beauty past what they look like, the more I know them, the more I can see, of course.
Speaking of, I am eating potato chips right now with my beer. My Dad told me today that I have let myself go. He meant my body. I wanted to say screw you, try birthing two children yourself you butt hole, but I understood what he meant. It is not my children’s fault at this point that I have this particular body. It is all me. It is my wine, beer, and good food. The lack of exercise, which is on purpose, also contributes. The whole thing, though, is right now, I have a lot of other things to focus on and my body is not one of them. Today I am happy as me, in my skin, in my fat, with the belly my father is so disgusted with. He actually said, “You were such a beautiful little girl”. I did not in my mind agree with that statement. I never felt beautiful as a child. I felt ugly, unwanted, gawky, etc, etc…. I feel beautiful most of the time now. I am beautiful, who I am is not only my body, which by the way I consider extremely sexy and see the opposite sex appreciating often, but it is the person that I am and what I can give to my world around me. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I tried to explain myself and that concept, but I think it was lost once again in the perception of how someone thought I should be. Also, in that particular person’s antiquated male view of beauty and how the heck does he know how what the fashion magazines say beauty is. I know how I should be, for God’s sake, I am 32 years old and I am content with myself as a person. I know, I really know, I have areas of my life to work on, but my body does not factor in it today. I need to be a more patient mom; I need to figure out the marriage factor, I need to continue on working on letting go of control. Screw my damn body. My belly is not flat. It was only flat one time in my life I could remember and that was right after Connor was born. Byron and I were having issues and I could not eat much so I lost a TON of weight. I did not look good. My frame does not support skinny. It supports regular woman. I Have also had no complaints from any one else about how I look. In fact I find that most men are attracted to me and find me beautiful, including my fat butt and rounded belly.
I have been emailing an old friend of mine. I guess we are no longer emailing. He said he had issues to work out. WTF? Issues? Join the club. I have no idea what that meant for him, it could be any number of things and I heave learned that my guesses are almost always incorrect. I think it is because I have always watched soap operas. I am prone to the most extreme reasons. I really wish though that he would have just come out and told me. I keep thinking of that guy that was on Oprah, the “he is just not into you guy”, well, no shit, but why. When I started emailing him again (we have been friends off and on more and less for about 5 years), it seemed like he was interested in me as a person, maybe a romantic interest, who knew. I, being myself was as open and honest as I could be. I forced myself too, because I am not into wasting my time and energy anymore with having to translate. I have enough drains. He knew about my husband, my kids, my life, etc, etc…and he was ok with it until I actually asked him out and nailed him down to a time. OK, if you just want to flirt, say, I am enjoying flirting, I want nothing more. If my life was too, much of a mess, say, man you are screwed up (say it nicer though) and give me a call when you have fewer issues. Whatever. I was having fun flirting. I was semi grateful he backed out of the “date” we had set. I mean, where was I going with that anyway? He is not my type, but sexy, attractive, funny and relaxing. I think I need to find not my type, maybe that will be my type. He informed me he had nothing to hide and could be open. I guess he went as far as he could though because the openness, including all communication stopped when he broke our “date”. Ok, to be fair to him, from my point of view, the “date” was a wedding of a friend of mine. A wedding could be viewed as high pressure, but it was not a typical church wedding. My friends are cool though, drink beer, hang out, and are non judgmental. They just like to enjoy their lives. He said he was not ready to move that far with me. I do not think I was ready to jump his bones, but I may have, who knows, it did not happen. I wanted him to want to want me. I wanted to forget about my life and have him. First and foremost, he was my friend. I wanted to just hang out with a person that had no baggage attached to my life with me. Can’t I want to relax at all? Anyway, since then, my so-called friend has dropped off of the face of the earth. He has not emailed, or responded to the few I have sent. He stopped his open and honest policy and apparently he does have something to hide from me.
My sister and her husband know him. Jill has known him as long as I have and Carl has known him as long as he has known Jill. Maybe they know him even better than I do, because I do not really know him well. I have done business with him. I have talked to him on the phone. We have shared some of our lives. I have wanted to know him at times and even got to know him more physically years ago while on a break from my husband, like I said, I find him attractive. My sister and her husband say though, that he would never find me attractive. I think the words were waif and no self-esteem. I fall into neither category. I would like to let him know what I think, how I feel, how can you just decide as an adult to not respond to someone you have been a friend with, and I think I will when I decide, probably soon because it bugs me. I want to say grow up. I am not going to crumble if you decide I am not the one for you, maybe you are not the one for me, maybe we are just getting what we need from each other for the time being, maybe not, who the hell know, but can you not expect me to read between the lines and just tell me how you feel. Who the hell is to even say it is that complicated. Can it not be complicated? Adults…it is not that tough. There is nothing to lose. I understand hiding. Whatever, who needs to hide themselves at this stage in our lives. Why not just be comfortable with ourselves and let those around us, if they want to be around us, be there. I hope though, I am smart enough to know the people I place my trust in deserve it or at least are ready for it. Honesty and kindness can work together.
Why are people afraid of sharing who they are and what they feel? Will they be struck down for being honest? Is some part of themselves going to fall off? Will the other person look at them wrong, verbally assault them, and cause them to question themselves? So what? If you are good with whom you are, why can you not tell it like it is? Why can you not find a way to be honest and kind at the same time? Consideration for others in this world is sorely lacking.
I wish I had it, I wish I knew. I wish I had a space to sleep that was not a couch. My beautiful children take up a lot of bed space and it is easier to go elsewhere for it.I dreamt of my beautiful friend Kim last night. I Love you Kim and miss that we have not been in touch as much as we should be. Darn life for overtaking everyone and what is important.
The kids swam in the river today, or more like played, Connor swam and I waded out to my chest, deep enough to pee out the vodka and orange juice. Molly, not so interested in that, Kaili, interested, but too cold for her to actually swim, Connor only swam because he fell and had to swim, the rocks were slippery, and Jalen, he waded around and saw what the river had to offer. The river had crawdads, mud daubers, skippers, and all sorts of things hidden that the kids had no idea about. They loved it and I felt like they were in school, all clustered around a pool that was stagnant and kept all of the offerings of the river. The caught in cups, talked, squealed, laughed and over all had a very good time. My Dad and I talked about them, their small bodies, their personalities, and their beauty. I love understanding their beauty past what they look like, the more I know them, the more I can see, of course.
Speaking of, I am eating potato chips right now with my beer. My Dad told me today that I have let myself go. He meant my body. I wanted to say screw you, try birthing two children yourself you butt hole, but I understood what he meant. It is not my children’s fault at this point that I have this particular body. It is all me. It is my wine, beer, and good food. The lack of exercise, which is on purpose, also contributes. The whole thing, though, is right now, I have a lot of other things to focus on and my body is not one of them. Today I am happy as me, in my skin, in my fat, with the belly my father is so disgusted with. He actually said, “You were such a beautiful little girl”. I did not in my mind agree with that statement. I never felt beautiful as a child. I felt ugly, unwanted, gawky, etc, etc…. I feel beautiful most of the time now. I am beautiful, who I am is not only my body, which by the way I consider extremely sexy and see the opposite sex appreciating often, but it is the person that I am and what I can give to my world around me. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I tried to explain myself and that concept, but I think it was lost once again in the perception of how someone thought I should be. Also, in that particular person’s antiquated male view of beauty and how the heck does he know how what the fashion magazines say beauty is. I know how I should be, for God’s sake, I am 32 years old and I am content with myself as a person. I know, I really know, I have areas of my life to work on, but my body does not factor in it today. I need to be a more patient mom; I need to figure out the marriage factor, I need to continue on working on letting go of control. Screw my damn body. My belly is not flat. It was only flat one time in my life I could remember and that was right after Connor was born. Byron and I were having issues and I could not eat much so I lost a TON of weight. I did not look good. My frame does not support skinny. It supports regular woman. I Have also had no complaints from any one else about how I look. In fact I find that most men are attracted to me and find me beautiful, including my fat butt and rounded belly.
I have been emailing an old friend of mine. I guess we are no longer emailing. He said he had issues to work out. WTF? Issues? Join the club. I have no idea what that meant for him, it could be any number of things and I heave learned that my guesses are almost always incorrect. I think it is because I have always watched soap operas. I am prone to the most extreme reasons. I really wish though that he would have just come out and told me. I keep thinking of that guy that was on Oprah, the “he is just not into you guy”, well, no shit, but why. When I started emailing him again (we have been friends off and on more and less for about 5 years), it seemed like he was interested in me as a person, maybe a romantic interest, who knew. I, being myself was as open and honest as I could be. I forced myself too, because I am not into wasting my time and energy anymore with having to translate. I have enough drains. He knew about my husband, my kids, my life, etc, etc…and he was ok with it until I actually asked him out and nailed him down to a time. OK, if you just want to flirt, say, I am enjoying flirting, I want nothing more. If my life was too, much of a mess, say, man you are screwed up (say it nicer though) and give me a call when you have fewer issues. Whatever. I was having fun flirting. I was semi grateful he backed out of the “date” we had set. I mean, where was I going with that anyway? He is not my type, but sexy, attractive, funny and relaxing. I think I need to find not my type, maybe that will be my type. He informed me he had nothing to hide and could be open. I guess he went as far as he could though because the openness, including all communication stopped when he broke our “date”. Ok, to be fair to him, from my point of view, the “date” was a wedding of a friend of mine. A wedding could be viewed as high pressure, but it was not a typical church wedding. My friends are cool though, drink beer, hang out, and are non judgmental. They just like to enjoy their lives. He said he was not ready to move that far with me. I do not think I was ready to jump his bones, but I may have, who knows, it did not happen. I wanted him to want to want me. I wanted to forget about my life and have him. First and foremost, he was my friend. I wanted to just hang out with a person that had no baggage attached to my life with me. Can’t I want to relax at all? Anyway, since then, my so-called friend has dropped off of the face of the earth. He has not emailed, or responded to the few I have sent. He stopped his open and honest policy and apparently he does have something to hide from me.
My sister and her husband know him. Jill has known him as long as I have and Carl has known him as long as he has known Jill. Maybe they know him even better than I do, because I do not really know him well. I have done business with him. I have talked to him on the phone. We have shared some of our lives. I have wanted to know him at times and even got to know him more physically years ago while on a break from my husband, like I said, I find him attractive. My sister and her husband say though, that he would never find me attractive. I think the words were waif and no self-esteem. I fall into neither category. I would like to let him know what I think, how I feel, how can you just decide as an adult to not respond to someone you have been a friend with, and I think I will when I decide, probably soon because it bugs me. I want to say grow up. I am not going to crumble if you decide I am not the one for you, maybe you are not the one for me, maybe we are just getting what we need from each other for the time being, maybe not, who the hell know, but can you not expect me to read between the lines and just tell me how you feel. Who the hell is to even say it is that complicated. Can it not be complicated? Adults…it is not that tough. There is nothing to lose. I understand hiding. Whatever, who needs to hide themselves at this stage in our lives. Why not just be comfortable with ourselves and let those around us, if they want to be around us, be there. I hope though, I am smart enough to know the people I place my trust in deserve it or at least are ready for it. Honesty and kindness can work together.
Why are people afraid of sharing who they are and what they feel? Will they be struck down for being honest? Is some part of themselves going to fall off? Will the other person look at them wrong, verbally assault them, and cause them to question themselves? So what? If you are good with whom you are, why can you not tell it like it is? Why can you not find a way to be honest and kind at the same time? Consideration for others in this world is sorely lacking.
I wish I had it, I wish I knew. I wish I had a space to sleep that was not a couch. My beautiful children take up a lot of bed space and it is easier to go elsewhere for it.I dreamt of my beautiful friend Kim last night. I Love you Kim and miss that we have not been in touch as much as we should be. Darn life for overtaking everyone and what is important.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Everyday is Today
OK, I am typing this in my word program and am going to try and paste it onto my blog. Hope it works, if it does well more of me is out there.
The kids and I left five days early for Washington. Grandma is still kicking, but she is declining quickly and my mom thought it was important for us to be around her when she could still interact. I am an awful mom though. You know how kids are scared of old people, well, Grandma is really old and Connor is not so into her. I bribed him with fifteen more minutes of awake time to hug her and tell her he loved her. He did it and it made her really happy, so who really cares how it happened as long as it did. She is so offended by the kids not wanting to sit on her, kiss her, and hug her. I understand them though and I think she should after having kids, but it has been a long time for her and she may have forgotten what it is like.
I am having an awful time telecommuting. It really sucks. I cannot figure out how to get my email to send out, some problems dealing with http and pop (WTF?). I also, in my rush to get out of my house neglected to take or update my mortgage software on my laptop. So, for the last two days I have essentially been unable to work. Good thing I had most everything wrapped for a while when I left.
My sister was here with her husband and their four kids. They left today and will be back on the 10th. It was a crazy scene, 9, 7, 5, 2, 2, and 9 months. They infiltrated every aspect of the house with their noise and mess. Bedtime was hell. At home I can lay my kids in bed and they go, here I have to put them back in bed at least twenty times until I end up lying with them. It is exhausting and emotionally draining and I am usually yelling at them by the end of it, so I get to feel like a terrible mom all night while their sweet faces lay on their pillows looking so angelic. It is funny how sleep can make monster children look angelic.
I feel so weird being here, my old town, where no one I know lives anymore except family. I have no life here to keep me busy and interested and I also it is not a vacation.
I have transplanted myself to the back yard with the remaining kids. I love laptops just for this reason. I know have a glass of wine and a clove, even though I do not smoke anymore (that anyway). I made the remaining kids (9, 7, 5, and 2) come out for some fresh air and exercise. They would sit their little asses in front of the TV all day long if they we let to. It is beautiful, the world is so beautiful. It is so odd to think of how fucked up it actually is in most places when I look at my surroundings.
That fuckwit husband of mine has not called the kids or I since we left on Saturday. Odd for him, I cannot help have that old Mom thought go through my head about calling the hospitals and state patrol to find out about accidents. I am sure as hell not going to call him though. I am still emotionally torn. I wish when he comes next week for him to hold me as tight as he can and let me cry on his shoulder. If he could just tell me everything is going to be ok and make me believe it, I would love that, but I do not know if it is possible for either of us. We are both such stubborn asses and so far removed from one another’s lives that we only intersect with the kids. What are the answers, who has them and why do I not, shouldn’t I have the answers to my life? Why can the person or thing that has the answers provide me with the book to read.One of the kids just reprimanded me for smoking my clove. Yes, a very bad example I know. I bitch at the ice cream man everyday he comes by because he sells candy cigarettes to the kids. I think that is a totally inappropriate thing to have in an ice cream truck.
The kids and I left five days early for Washington. Grandma is still kicking, but she is declining quickly and my mom thought it was important for us to be around her when she could still interact. I am an awful mom though. You know how kids are scared of old people, well, Grandma is really old and Connor is not so into her. I bribed him with fifteen more minutes of awake time to hug her and tell her he loved her. He did it and it made her really happy, so who really cares how it happened as long as it did. She is so offended by the kids not wanting to sit on her, kiss her, and hug her. I understand them though and I think she should after having kids, but it has been a long time for her and she may have forgotten what it is like.
I am having an awful time telecommuting. It really sucks. I cannot figure out how to get my email to send out, some problems dealing with http and pop (WTF?). I also, in my rush to get out of my house neglected to take or update my mortgage software on my laptop. So, for the last two days I have essentially been unable to work. Good thing I had most everything wrapped for a while when I left.
My sister was here with her husband and their four kids. They left today and will be back on the 10th. It was a crazy scene, 9, 7, 5, 2, 2, and 9 months. They infiltrated every aspect of the house with their noise and mess. Bedtime was hell. At home I can lay my kids in bed and they go, here I have to put them back in bed at least twenty times until I end up lying with them. It is exhausting and emotionally draining and I am usually yelling at them by the end of it, so I get to feel like a terrible mom all night while their sweet faces lay on their pillows looking so angelic. It is funny how sleep can make monster children look angelic.
I feel so weird being here, my old town, where no one I know lives anymore except family. I have no life here to keep me busy and interested and I also it is not a vacation.
I have transplanted myself to the back yard with the remaining kids. I love laptops just for this reason. I know have a glass of wine and a clove, even though I do not smoke anymore (that anyway). I made the remaining kids (9, 7, 5, and 2) come out for some fresh air and exercise. They would sit their little asses in front of the TV all day long if they we let to. It is beautiful, the world is so beautiful. It is so odd to think of how fucked up it actually is in most places when I look at my surroundings.
That fuckwit husband of mine has not called the kids or I since we left on Saturday. Odd for him, I cannot help have that old Mom thought go through my head about calling the hospitals and state patrol to find out about accidents. I am sure as hell not going to call him though. I am still emotionally torn. I wish when he comes next week for him to hold me as tight as he can and let me cry on his shoulder. If he could just tell me everything is going to be ok and make me believe it, I would love that, but I do not know if it is possible for either of us. We are both such stubborn asses and so far removed from one another’s lives that we only intersect with the kids. What are the answers, who has them and why do I not, shouldn’t I have the answers to my life? Why can the person or thing that has the answers provide me with the book to read.One of the kids just reprimanded me for smoking my clove. Yes, a very bad example I know. I bitch at the ice cream man everyday he comes by because he sells candy cigarettes to the kids. I think that is a totally inappropriate thing to have in an ice cream truck.
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