What, no internet connection?

There is no hope at all for an internet connection here. It is close to midnight and I am at my Dad’s and stepmoms. They live out in the back forty, which I think is wonderful. I am slowing down now and having a beer, when vodka has been at my side most of the day. I have had a nice relaxing time and so have the kids. My sisters two oldest are here as well as my own and we have had nothing but fun today. I will do my magic and cut and paste this one too. I just finished setting up the kitchen for the morning. There is really nothing like a clean and ready to go kitchen when you wake up. It is so nice to either set the coffee pot to go on at a certain time or just have it ready to flip the switch when you wake up. The dishes from the night before are all clean, dry and put away. For some reason, maybe a sick reason (part of my OCD), I think this is good and makes your next day start out better.
The kids swam in the river today, or more like played, Connor swam and I waded out to my chest, deep enough to pee out the vodka and orange juice. Molly, not so interested in that, Kaili, interested, but too cold for her to actually swim, Connor only swam because he fell and had to swim, the rocks were slippery, and Jalen, he waded around and saw what the river had to offer. The river had crawdads, mud daubers, skippers, and all sorts of things hidden that the kids had no idea about. They loved it and I felt like they were in school, all clustered around a pool that was stagnant and kept all of the offerings of the river. The caught in cups, talked, squealed, laughed and over all had a very good time. My Dad and I talked about them, their small bodies, their personalities, and their beauty. I love understanding their beauty past what they look like, the more I know them, the more I can see, of course.
Speaking of, I am eating potato chips right now with my beer. My Dad told me today that I have let myself go. He meant my body. I wanted to say screw you, try birthing two children yourself you butt hole, but I understood what he meant. It is not my children’s fault at this point that I have this particular body. It is all me. It is my wine, beer, and good food. The lack of exercise, which is on purpose, also contributes. The whole thing, though, is right now, I have a lot of other things to focus on and my body is not one of them. Today I am happy as me, in my skin, in my fat, with the belly my father is so disgusted with. He actually said, “You were such a beautiful little girl”. I did not in my mind agree with that statement. I never felt beautiful as a child. I felt ugly, unwanted, gawky, etc, etc…. I feel beautiful most of the time now. I am beautiful, who I am is not only my body, which by the way I consider extremely sexy and see the opposite sex appreciating often, but it is the person that I am and what I can give to my world around me. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I tried to explain myself and that concept, but I think it was lost once again in the perception of how someone thought I should be. Also, in that particular person’s antiquated male view of beauty and how the heck does he know how what the fashion magazines say beauty is. I know how I should be, for God’s sake, I am 32 years old and I am content with myself as a person. I know, I really know, I have areas of my life to work on, but my body does not factor in it today. I need to be a more patient mom; I need to figure out the marriage factor, I need to continue on working on letting go of control. Screw my damn body. My belly is not flat. It was only flat one time in my life I could remember and that was right after Connor was born. Byron and I were having issues and I could not eat much so I lost a TON of weight. I did not look good. My frame does not support skinny. It supports regular woman. I Have also had no complaints from any one else about how I look. In fact I find that most men are attracted to me and find me beautiful, including my fat butt and rounded belly.
I have been emailing an old friend of mine. I guess we are no longer emailing. He said he had issues to work out. WTF? Issues? Join the club. I have no idea what that meant for him, it could be any number of things and I heave learned that my guesses are almost always incorrect. I think it is because I have always watched soap operas. I am prone to the most extreme reasons. I really wish though that he would have just come out and told me. I keep thinking of that guy that was on Oprah, the “he is just not into you guy”, well, no shit, but why. When I started emailing him again (we have been friends off and on more and less for about 5 years), it seemed like he was interested in me as a person, maybe a romantic interest, who knew. I, being myself was as open and honest as I could be. I forced myself too, because I am not into wasting my time and energy anymore with having to translate. I have enough drains. He knew about my husband, my kids, my life, etc, etc…and he was ok with it until I actually asked him out and nailed him down to a time. OK, if you just want to flirt, say, I am enjoying flirting, I want nothing more. If my life was too, much of a mess, say, man you are screwed up (say it nicer though) and give me a call when you have fewer issues. Whatever. I was having fun flirting. I was semi grateful he backed out of the “date” we had set. I mean, where was I going with that anyway? He is not my type, but sexy, attractive, funny and relaxing. I think I need to find not my type, maybe that will be my type. He informed me he had nothing to hide and could be open. I guess he went as far as he could though because the openness, including all communication stopped when he broke our “date”. Ok, to be fair to him, from my point of view, the “date” was a wedding of a friend of mine. A wedding could be viewed as high pressure, but it was not a typical church wedding. My friends are cool though, drink beer, hang out, and are non judgmental. They just like to enjoy their lives. He said he was not ready to move that far with me. I do not think I was ready to jump his bones, but I may have, who knows, it did not happen. I wanted him to want to want me. I wanted to forget about my life and have him. First and foremost, he was my friend. I wanted to just hang out with a person that had no baggage attached to my life with me. Can’t I want to relax at all? Anyway, since then, my so-called friend has dropped off of the face of the earth. He has not emailed, or responded to the few I have sent. He stopped his open and honest policy and apparently he does have something to hide from me.
My sister and her husband know him. Jill has known him as long as I have and Carl has known him as long as he has known Jill. Maybe they know him even better than I do, because I do not really know him well. I have done business with him. I have talked to him on the phone. We have shared some of our lives. I have wanted to know him at times and even got to know him more physically years ago while on a break from my husband, like I said, I find him attractive. My sister and her husband say though, that he would never find me attractive. I think the words were waif and no self-esteem. I fall into neither category. I would like to let him know what I think, how I feel, how can you just decide as an adult to not respond to someone you have been a friend with, and I think I will when I decide, probably soon because it bugs me. I want to say grow up. I am not going to crumble if you decide I am not the one for you, maybe you are not the one for me, maybe we are just getting what we need from each other for the time being, maybe not, who the hell know, but can you not expect me to read between the lines and just tell me how you feel. Who the hell is to even say it is that complicated. Can it not be complicated? Adults…it is not that tough. There is nothing to lose. I understand hiding. Whatever, who needs to hide themselves at this stage in our lives. Why not just be comfortable with ourselves and let those around us, if they want to be around us, be there. I hope though, I am smart enough to know the people I place my trust in deserve it or at least are ready for it. Honesty and kindness can work together.
Why are people afraid of sharing who they are and what they feel? Will they be struck down for being honest? Is some part of themselves going to fall off? Will the other person look at them wrong, verbally assault them, and cause them to question themselves? So what? If you are good with whom you are, why can you not tell it like it is? Why can you not find a way to be honest and kind at the same time? Consideration for others in this world is sorely lacking.
I wish I had it, I wish I knew. I wish I had a space to sleep that was not a couch. My beautiful children take up a lot of bed space and it is easier to go elsewhere for it.I dreamt of my beautiful friend Kim last night. I Love you Kim and miss that we have not been in touch as much as we should be. Darn life for overtaking everyone and what is important.