Everyday is Today

OK, I am typing this in my word program and am going to try and paste it onto my blog. Hope it works, if it does well more of me is out there.
The kids and I left five days early for Washington. Grandma is still kicking, but she is declining quickly and my mom thought it was important for us to be around her when she could still interact. I am an awful mom though. You know how kids are scared of old people, well, Grandma is really old and Connor is not so into her. I bribed him with fifteen more minutes of awake time to hug her and tell her he loved her. He did it and it made her really happy, so who really cares how it happened as long as it did. She is so offended by the kids not wanting to sit on her, kiss her, and hug her. I understand them though and I think she should after having kids, but it has been a long time for her and she may have forgotten what it is like.
I am having an awful time telecommuting. It really sucks. I cannot figure out how to get my email to send out, some problems dealing with http and pop (WTF?). I also, in my rush to get out of my house neglected to take or update my mortgage software on my laptop. So, for the last two days I have essentially been unable to work. Good thing I had most everything wrapped for a while when I left.
My sister was here with her husband and their four kids. They left today and will be back on the 10th. It was a crazy scene, 9, 7, 5, 2, 2, and 9 months. They infiltrated every aspect of the house with their noise and mess. Bedtime was hell. At home I can lay my kids in bed and they go, here I have to put them back in bed at least twenty times until I end up lying with them. It is exhausting and emotionally draining and I am usually yelling at them by the end of it, so I get to feel like a terrible mom all night while their sweet faces lay on their pillows looking so angelic. It is funny how sleep can make monster children look angelic.
I feel so weird being here, my old town, where no one I know lives anymore except family. I have no life here to keep me busy and interested and I also it is not a vacation.
I have transplanted myself to the back yard with the remaining kids. I love laptops just for this reason. I know have a glass of wine and a clove, even though I do not smoke anymore (that anyway). I made the remaining kids (9, 7, 5, and 2) come out for some fresh air and exercise. They would sit their little asses in front of the TV all day long if they we let to. It is beautiful, the world is so beautiful. It is so odd to think of how fucked up it actually is in most places when I look at my surroundings.
That fuckwit husband of mine has not called the kids or I since we left on Saturday. Odd for him, I cannot help have that old Mom thought go through my head about calling the hospitals and state patrol to find out about accidents. I am sure as hell not going to call him though. I am still emotionally torn. I wish when he comes next week for him to hold me as tight as he can and let me cry on his shoulder. If he could just tell me everything is going to be ok and make me believe it, I would love that, but I do not know if it is possible for either of us. We are both such stubborn asses and so far removed from one another’s lives that we only intersect with the kids. What are the answers, who has them and why do I not, shouldn’t I have the answers to my life? Why can the person or thing that has the answers provide me with the book to read.One of the kids just reprimanded me for smoking my clove. Yes, a very bad example I know. I bitch at the ice cream man everyday he comes by because he sells candy cigarettes to the kids. I think that is a totally inappropriate thing to have in an ice cream truck.