Sickness

On Sunday night I got really stuffy and my sinuses began to drain down my throat. I have had a fever, body aches, chills, since then and now I have a cough. What really stinks is that when I cough, it is a really good cough, I pee a little. Love you Connor and Molly, thanks for the wakeup call regarding old age.

Angst

I taught a 7-8 class today and am going back tomorrow. Going back tomorrow, you say. Yes, tomorrow. I like their eye rolling, their smart ass attitude the look on their faces when they are trying to pull one over on you. I like observing this human behavior. Those kids are just as fun as the kindergarteners I subbed for last week, but way, way different. Good for them I am beginning to like kids.

Shaping America's Youth

I have been substitute teaching more often now. That does not mean that I like other people's children now (some of them I do), but I get great satisfaction out of producing good feeling in the little bodies and when the light bulb goes on, and they understand what you are doing, I really like that.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

says it all

What Year Is It?

The other night my phone rang. I do not know why I answered. I did not know the number, it was a 916 area code. It very well could have been work and it was past 7 pm. I am glad I did. The woman on the phone identified herself as being from the department of agriculture. She said she was calling in regards tot he Valencia Oranges and the department wanting to come out and do some testing. She then went on to ask if my husband was home, with giving me any time to reply. I immediately skipped over he fact that I did not have any Valencia Orange trees and went right to the is your husband home question. I asked her why would it matter if my husband was home, what is the reason she needed to speak with him. She told me she wanted to get his permission. WTF? Ok, Lady...1)I do not have any Valencia Orange trees so I think you have the wrong number, 2) I am a completely autonomous woman and even if my husband was home I would not need to obtain his permission for anything being done around our home. Is this 1950?

I have a hole in my body

Let's start off by saying I am having a good day. I have had two crappy things happen though. A filling fell out of my back molar this morning while I was eating spaghettios. Spaghettios you say? Yes, spaghettios. I now have a hole in my mouth. Holes pretty much anywhere in my body gross me out, except I like my vagina, ok, I like all of the holes that God intended to be there, but not man made ones. Sick, top it off, the only temporary filling left at Rite Aid is cherry flavor.
The neighbor just stopped over to borrow some milk. I am sober. I reach into the pantry to get him a cup and wham, whack my cheek on the door frame. OUCH. It really smarts, but I guess I do not have much smarts.

Tolerance

I went to court on Monday morning. The judge was supposed to rule on custody and support, but since my lovely ex did not show up for mediation orientation or the actual mediation appointment, the judge sent us back to sign up for another appointment that he may or may not make. FUCK! So now I am waiting another two weeks at the least, to get custody of my kids.
I like that he tries to stay close and I have to see him a lot (I like it this week.) Everything he does is irritating and reminds me of how I no longer have to be tolerant! FUCK YES to that.
There was a big debacle at the house after and the police were here again, but, like I said, I have no tolerance and do not have to. He would not leave was acting in a threatening manner, so he was gentle prompted to leave by a call to Ventura's finest. He is mad, mad, mad, but this is my space and him invading is not acceptable.
I also like the Dad and when he asks me how I am, what can he do for me, what he can do for me. I try to remember if Byron was like that. I try and be different in the fact that I do not take care of everything. I am a capable one woman show, and I am with my kids and home, but in my next relationship I am planning on being less efficient. I feel bad for the Dad being my next relationship. I am so not trusting, fuck Byron, I have to get past that as soon as possible. I like trusting people first and then letting them lose it if they will. It is always better to begin full. I am also a lot less flexible. I think my tolerance will eventually increase once I am further away from the main event. It has been three months, it feels like it has been a few years, I think maybe it has really been that long in terms of having a working relationship. Only snag I am running up against is sometimes the kids get in the way of my new social life. Geez, darn them. It is also positive because they force me to be less involved in any new relationship. I do not like lying, hiding, whatever, but it is not for the kids to be involved in yet. I think, I know, there heads are still spinning from their change in familial status, so a new person is inappropriate at this early stage.
Off to put the babes to bed and bathe for my secret date (that makes me chuckle).

Preoccupation

I purchased four dwarf hamsters (all females) from a person I found on Craigslist. For thirty dollars, I got everything, cage, bedding, food, exercise balls, a race track, everything we needed. The kids love them. They took them to their Dad's this weekend and lost one. Her name is Trickster. He just called and said he found Trickster last night, so our numbers are back up again. Well......the three cats absolutely love them. They put their ears into little hoods and contently stare at he cage all day long. I am talking all day long unless either of the two parties are locked away in other rooms from each other.

Here is my conversation with Susamina last night:

"You like those new little rats in the house, don't you? They preoccupy your thoughts."

Then I took a minute to think about what I said to her and the Dad flashed through my mind.

The conversation ended:

"I know how you feel Suz."

Spilling It

Hi, you are right my friends, I just have not had time to sit and type about my life. So, I have a bit of time, I would like to be in the bath, but I have spare time because the kids really pissed me off tonight, so they were in bed by 6.30. I am over whining, fighting and saying things twenty times. I think that comes with being a mom but I am tired today. Byron has stayed here the last two nights. He was supposed to be out of town yesterday, but the night before I said it was ok, he wanted to be with the kids. This is so fucking hard. it is so amazingly fucking hard. I am not sure how to deal with it so I am going day by day. He knows I am seeing the Dad, he does not know it is the dad, he is just aware of someone. He forces me to look at myself and question my decisions everyday. My emotions are so raw that I can hardly stand it anymore. I cry all the time when no one is around. I know I am making the right decisions for my children and I. I have not changed in the last four months on that one, but geez, I wish he would leave me alone. I know though he has to process it to and come to terms with our family and how it will be. The asking for forgiveness, the whys, the how can yous are finally getting to me. He came on so strong with it on Tuesday night, Wednesday night adn kept it up this morning when he was leaving at 4.30 am. I kept saying what the fuck are we talking about at 5 in the morning, then Molly woke up at 5.30 and would not sleep more. OUCH.
One the other hand, I have this sweet man, who is so into me (which is scary in itself). He really likes me and tells me and even asks me how I feel. I like him, I really like him, he is my type and that is not all together good. I was going to go for not my type this time. I thought that would work out better. I am dating the Dad, all of the time, dating him, and me fucking ow, believe me, but I am so gun shy at this point and scared to like him. I feel bad for him. I now have all of these rules, the kids do not know, Byron does not know, we sneak around, but not really sneak around. He puts up with all of the Byron bullshit very nicely. It is so weird and he just lets me know it is ok to be as weird as I want about the situation and he knows I know what is best for my kids and he respects that. WOW. Whatever I want is the way it is, that is so odd for me and I know not realistic, but I am so happy that he realizes my limitations right now and they are no reflection on him, so he is totally ok to go along with whatever they are. I know I also mentioned that he has great vocubulary and he reads books, YEAH!
I saw a picture of my friend Vonnie with a friend, what is going on with that? Why is there nothing to report on that?

Social Conciousness

Come on my friends out there, I know you are all very intelligent and driven people, there are a lot of crazy things going on in the world and we know they are not right and still some people are continuing to live blissfully in their own world and not putting forth that good energy to others.
On Free Speech TV the other night (which can be checked out at freespeech.org) I watched Axis of Evil: Perforated Prater Naturam. Normally, I would have passed over this title, but the channel was on when I turned the TV on and I got drug in to the show without even knowing what it was called. It just reminded me of needing to do something, to put effort towards changing something for the better, for all people. So here are some of the things I recommend checking out other than the aforementioned movie.

moveon.org
freespeech.org
impeachbush.org
antiwar.com
icasualties.org (the DEATH count as of September 18, ****3787****, this does not include all of those that have lived but had their lives altered by wounds, both physical and emotional, the families that have endured the same and the soldiers, who will make it home, but will never feel the same as before going to war in our world)
savedafur.org
darfurgenocide.org
unicefusa.org
nccp.org (check this one out to show how things are looking in our own country or try the US Census)
anysoldier.com
adoptaplatoon.org
uso.org
thinkprogress.org
voteusout.org
worldpublicopinion.org (yes, others do think differently than us)


This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are tons of good places to put forth our time and energy. You can sign up for newsletters at most of these sites that inform you of activities in your own communities or political pushes that are going on, who to write to, etc.

ALOS, be aware that China still purchases large quantities of goods from the Sudan. This supports the janjaweed. Fuck both of them. DO NOT BUY CHINESE. DO NOT SUPPORT THE GENOCIDE.

Peace and love.....