Moving On

What the heck is dating? I am not so certain. I also do not understand why there has to be some sort of goal, some master plan.......
Can you date someone who is not "The One" for you? What is the rationale behind dating for fun?
My friends, I went out and tried it again after a year. I "dated" someone. What did I like? The company, the mental stimulation, the body contact. What did I not like? The expectations......Can we really have no expectations for another we are learning? Really, this person was not my friend before, not a stranger, but not a friend. How can I say I have a future plan for something such as that? There is so much unknown. I can look at what seem to be his good qualities and what seem to be his bad qualities, but qualities are fluid, like people that possess them, life changes, and the person follows suit (at least I hope, due to the importance of growth and learning). If you are enjoying time spent, wouldn't you do that until you stopped enjoying it? What kind of bullshit is, I do not want (insert you/me) to get hurt in the future. There is no future really, there is right now, especially with dating.
Well, in my own self deprecating manner (without self pity), he dumped me after a few weeks of seeing one another a lot. He told me it was because I had children and he does not. I have had at least one of those beings for more than 7 years, which is ALOT more time than I knew this person. Wait, did I neglect to tell him I had children? It made me think it was a lame excuse, something that was easier for him to say to me than I really did not like this about you. I understand children are a big deal and even in my head I had not put both parties in the same room. My dating is separate from them, or is it? There were no plans for the two parts of my life to collide. I did not say, do you want to take over responsibility for another man's children and marry me? But, being honest, these kids are not going away, ever, so even someone dating me needs to think of them. Why do people choose to ignore things for a brief respite from reality? I am guilty of it. I eventually choose to accept his reasoning though, I really have no reason to not. He has pretty much been honest, I think, since we began talking...but that presents another issue. That means he is guilty of the delusion too, ignoring reality. I realize I am wonderful and distracting, but I talk about those two more than anything else, how can they have been ignored? Then, it make sense to me that, they were not ignored, they were accepted along with me (as much as possible without actually being around them), until something else set in....fear maybe, maybe a personality trait of mine that made me less attractive as a date, ok, the layers stack up. I am not for everyone, or even for most.
He continually asked me if I was ok, all the while saying he did not want to see me anymore. I was enjoying time with him, but a man, or the prospect of one in my life makes the difference to me on a purely social level. I wanted to say, which I did not, was, my child's head is not broken anymore, she has no brain damage, my abusive relationship has ended, (add in here a list of important life changing issues) why would I EVER not be ok? Maybe without him sharing the life perspective I have, he somehow thought I would fall apart a little (because I am a bit crazy, go crazy on him or something). And really, once he stops being interested in me, does he not give up the right to know how I feel and if I am "ok"? I did get a little pissed, rejection sucks, really, no matter what, but when things get thought through, really what have I lost???? Potential fun, a person to enjoy time with, a sex partner...not much in the grand scheme of life (not to make it seem like he is not much as a person, that is not kind, and I did not like everything about him, but did like some about him also, just not enough one way or the other to make a judgment call this soon).
I refuse to be ruled by fear in the area of relationships. That is what I learned from this experience. I had a fun time, I will not cut myself off from the adult area of my life just in case something is going to happen. I will also continue to put myself out there, all of it, good and bad. I think that is important. Sometimes I have considered my warts and all approach to be detrimental, but have thought about it again, and decided, that is not so. It will take an amazing person to accept me and for me to want to accept also. The life circumstances I find myself in have shaped me and will continue too. I chose not to date because of the difficulties, now I realize, those are difficulties set up by me and I have the ability to recognize, confront, and move past. All in all, a fairly good experience to get myself open to the possibility of love and to continue living in a spirit of generosity that I have come to view as almost important as any other quality a human possesses. I know it may sound like I have gone completely over the bend, but maybe, just maybe, I should remove the nevers from my life I put there. I will never remarry, I will never have children (ok, I am still fairly certain on that never), I will never put up with certain things....blah, blah, blah
There are two sides to every story, but unfortunately most of the time we only have one and then our limited imagination and intellect for the others.

So, I ask....do we waste our time, deluding ourselves....dating?

There are no real easy answers, just insights, I should have stopped seeing him when I realized there was no way I could ever set my bottom down in his filthy bath tub. That is the most important part of a house. Hindsight.....