I have a hole in my body

Let's start off by saying I am having a good day. I have had two crappy things happen though. A filling fell out of my back molar this morning while I was eating spaghettios. Spaghettios you say? Yes, spaghettios. I now have a hole in my mouth. Holes pretty much anywhere in my body gross me out, except I like my vagina, ok, I like all of the holes that God intended to be there, but not man made ones. Sick, top it off, the only temporary filling left at Rite Aid is cherry flavor.
The neighbor just stopped over to borrow some milk. I am sober. I reach into the pantry to get him a cup and wham, whack my cheek on the door frame. OUCH. It really smarts, but I guess I do not have much smarts.

Tolerance

I went to court on Monday morning. The judge was supposed to rule on custody and support, but since my lovely ex did not show up for mediation orientation or the actual mediation appointment, the judge sent us back to sign up for another appointment that he may or may not make. FUCK! So now I am waiting another two weeks at the least, to get custody of my kids.
I like that he tries to stay close and I have to see him a lot (I like it this week.) Everything he does is irritating and reminds me of how I no longer have to be tolerant! FUCK YES to that.
There was a big debacle at the house after and the police were here again, but, like I said, I have no tolerance and do not have to. He would not leave was acting in a threatening manner, so he was gentle prompted to leave by a call to Ventura's finest. He is mad, mad, mad, but this is my space and him invading is not acceptable.
I also like the Dad and when he asks me how I am, what can he do for me, what he can do for me. I try to remember if Byron was like that. I try and be different in the fact that I do not take care of everything. I am a capable one woman show, and I am with my kids and home, but in my next relationship I am planning on being less efficient. I feel bad for the Dad being my next relationship. I am so not trusting, fuck Byron, I have to get past that as soon as possible. I like trusting people first and then letting them lose it if they will. It is always better to begin full. I am also a lot less flexible. I think my tolerance will eventually increase once I am further away from the main event. It has been three months, it feels like it has been a few years, I think maybe it has really been that long in terms of having a working relationship. Only snag I am running up against is sometimes the kids get in the way of my new social life. Geez, darn them. It is also positive because they force me to be less involved in any new relationship. I do not like lying, hiding, whatever, but it is not for the kids to be involved in yet. I think, I know, there heads are still spinning from their change in familial status, so a new person is inappropriate at this early stage.
Off to put the babes to bed and bathe for my secret date (that makes me chuckle).

Preoccupation

I purchased four dwarf hamsters (all females) from a person I found on Craigslist. For thirty dollars, I got everything, cage, bedding, food, exercise balls, a race track, everything we needed. The kids love them. They took them to their Dad's this weekend and lost one. Her name is Trickster. He just called and said he found Trickster last night, so our numbers are back up again. Well......the three cats absolutely love them. They put their ears into little hoods and contently stare at he cage all day long. I am talking all day long unless either of the two parties are locked away in other rooms from each other.

Here is my conversation with Susamina last night:

"You like those new little rats in the house, don't you? They preoccupy your thoughts."

Then I took a minute to think about what I said to her and the Dad flashed through my mind.

The conversation ended:

"I know how you feel Suz."

Spilling It

Hi, you are right my friends, I just have not had time to sit and type about my life. So, I have a bit of time, I would like to be in the bath, but I have spare time because the kids really pissed me off tonight, so they were in bed by 6.30. I am over whining, fighting and saying things twenty times. I think that comes with being a mom but I am tired today. Byron has stayed here the last two nights. He was supposed to be out of town yesterday, but the night before I said it was ok, he wanted to be with the kids. This is so fucking hard. it is so amazingly fucking hard. I am not sure how to deal with it so I am going day by day. He knows I am seeing the Dad, he does not know it is the dad, he is just aware of someone. He forces me to look at myself and question my decisions everyday. My emotions are so raw that I can hardly stand it anymore. I cry all the time when no one is around. I know I am making the right decisions for my children and I. I have not changed in the last four months on that one, but geez, I wish he would leave me alone. I know though he has to process it to and come to terms with our family and how it will be. The asking for forgiveness, the whys, the how can yous are finally getting to me. He came on so strong with it on Tuesday night, Wednesday night adn kept it up this morning when he was leaving at 4.30 am. I kept saying what the fuck are we talking about at 5 in the morning, then Molly woke up at 5.30 and would not sleep more. OUCH.
One the other hand, I have this sweet man, who is so into me (which is scary in itself). He really likes me and tells me and even asks me how I feel. I like him, I really like him, he is my type and that is not all together good. I was going to go for not my type this time. I thought that would work out better. I am dating the Dad, all of the time, dating him, and me fucking ow, believe me, but I am so gun shy at this point and scared to like him. I feel bad for him. I now have all of these rules, the kids do not know, Byron does not know, we sneak around, but not really sneak around. He puts up with all of the Byron bullshit very nicely. It is so weird and he just lets me know it is ok to be as weird as I want about the situation and he knows I know what is best for my kids and he respects that. WOW. Whatever I want is the way it is, that is so odd for me and I know not realistic, but I am so happy that he realizes my limitations right now and they are no reflection on him, so he is totally ok to go along with whatever they are. I know I also mentioned that he has great vocubulary and he reads books, YEAH!
I saw a picture of my friend Vonnie with a friend, what is going on with that? Why is there nothing to report on that?

Social Conciousness

Come on my friends out there, I know you are all very intelligent and driven people, there are a lot of crazy things going on in the world and we know they are not right and still some people are continuing to live blissfully in their own world and not putting forth that good energy to others.
On Free Speech TV the other night (which can be checked out at freespeech.org) I watched Axis of Evil: Perforated Prater Naturam. Normally, I would have passed over this title, but the channel was on when I turned the TV on and I got drug in to the show without even knowing what it was called. It just reminded me of needing to do something, to put effort towards changing something for the better, for all people. So here are some of the things I recommend checking out other than the aforementioned movie.

moveon.org
freespeech.org
impeachbush.org
antiwar.com
icasualties.org (the DEATH count as of September 18, ****3787****, this does not include all of those that have lived but had their lives altered by wounds, both physical and emotional, the families that have endured the same and the soldiers, who will make it home, but will never feel the same as before going to war in our world)
savedafur.org
darfurgenocide.org
unicefusa.org
nccp.org (check this one out to show how things are looking in our own country or try the US Census)
anysoldier.com
adoptaplatoon.org
uso.org
thinkprogress.org
voteusout.org
worldpublicopinion.org (yes, others do think differently than us)


This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are tons of good places to put forth our time and energy. You can sign up for newsletters at most of these sites that inform you of activities in your own communities or political pushes that are going on, who to write to, etc.

ALOS, be aware that China still purchases large quantities of goods from the Sudan. This supports the janjaweed. Fuck both of them. DO NOT BUY CHINESE. DO NOT SUPPORT THE GENOCIDE.

Peace and love.....

Myspace Posts

Dear Mr. President: I dont wanna be in your military. I dont wanna bury my own kind. I wanna make up my own mind about who I hate, not what the national slate has in mind. you see, the american interest is rarely in mine, and Ive got my own wars to wage. I dont need to engage in your war for oil overseas. im the lesbian minority, see. so I dont need a major to tell me what to be or who to do things to somewhere across the pacific. my sex is too specific to report to a general. and in general, dykes dont respond to command. so why do we demand to a part of this irrational masculine swarmy that poses as a national army? ive seen armies, seen them on picket lines, welfare lines, seen them storming the Capitol, storming the streets, demanding justice and peace. Ive heard of armies in history, in Birmingham, in Montgomerey. but these dressed-to-kill boys with their made-to-kill toys, these yellow ribbons that choke trees. please, its a joke. a sadistic display of militaristic play that ends in american dreams for the owners of both teams. and who suffers? who buffers the attack? who lacks the cash to decline the invitation to the nations most expensive party? those hearty boys promised schooling, then sent on their way to collect their pay from the grave. well, I dont mind being war-depraved, honey, we can fight for more than big boys and their money. Id rather fight phil knight, bomb all his bonds. Id rather wage a gay crusade on the pope. grope my girl in front of his nose. Id rather pose a problem to disney, expose michael eisner as a meiser, mickey mouse as leader of the rat race-- just slice right down that rodents face. and its a disgrace to be a rapist of developing nations when we cant stop the rape of developing girls. id rather unfurl an attack on our money guzzling undercover embezzling enemies- imprisoning just us with no dollar power impersonating justice from their donald trump tower with their billion dollars trillion crimes waging their personal war on the poor for more power in this world of ABC NBC CBS -- this country runs from CEO to shining CEO, sending us across the ocean for the promotion of their cash-devotion ideology. well, I dont desire your superstar badge of bravery for enduring modern-day slavery in your maniacally economically-driven death trap. anyway, id give the U.S a bad rap, Id kiss every fine Iraqi dyke on the front line, fuck national pride, Id go to their side. I prefer crossnational desire to crossfire anyway. and i dont need your fatigue uniform to perform my battles. im wearing layers of tired just from battling the liars of our system every day. and my Dear Mr. President: Id rather die, lying in the heat of a fuck I call mine than in the fucking line of duty youve made mine. but, fine, its the new big thing to demand inclusion in your land-intrusion ethic-free military, to request same-sex affirmative action to de-factionalize who dies in your money-for-the-man C-span cam scam, lost-and-found game you call war where we get to lose our lives when youve found whats worth more. well, when this dyke goes down, shell go down knowing what its for. -Alix Olson

Candy

I went to dinner with the Dad from Connor's school last night. Did I say he was yummy? Well he sure is.

Yumminess....

I did something crazy last night. It was so fun.
I have a crush on this guy that I know. He is a dad of one of the kids at Connor's school. I know where he lives. He is, or I got the impression, or was if I did not screw it up last night, into me a little too.
My friend Beth and I rode downtown and got HAMMERED. It was so much fricken fun. We went out with her 70 yr old mom and aunt and partied. The older ladies left us early on and that is how Beth got there. I rode my bike. So we only had one bike to get home and ended walking. Well the dad happens to live on the way home. Beth and I took turns riding or pushing the bike and ended up passing his house about 3 am, so we stopped. His TV light was on. He came to the door,said "Hi, what's up?" Me, did I mention totally trashed, so trashed I scraped both my knees falling a few times, said "hi, we were just going home and had 1/2 of a left and wanted to see if you wanted to smoke it with us." Him, "Well, uhhhmmmm..." Me, "oh, are you alone?" Him, "No." Me, "Oops, sorry, see you later." And then I laughed my ass off the rest of the way home. I am sure he heard. I do not know if who he was with did. It felt so good to get out. I am going make peace in myself about what happened with the Dad soon. I am going to understand, my nagging self consciousness that comes out is ridiculous. I know he liked me, so I took a small bit of a chance, and it did not work out or maybe it did. No use in worrying about the future when it is not here. Next time he sees me he is probably going to say, "Man that was so hot, seeing you the other night. Why don't you bring that over and we can hang out, have so beers, smoke, and then make monkey hungry luv for a few hours?" Me, "Ok, see you tonight, all of you, all of you with that rock hard body and tattoos. You are just yummy and I am looking forward to eating you up."
Really, he is pretty cool and he is pretty hot. He teaches ultimate fighting, cage fighting, jujitsu for a living. He plays music too and is a single parent really into his kid, and is his witty with a good vocabulary. So I think he would be perfect to hang out with and roam each others bodies. If not, I can still run into him at school and think about doing things to him.

I got a new cat this week. Her name is Marshmallow. She is long haired, creamy and toasty brown. She is watching me type right now.

Nothing Like a Good Back Massage

My kids think that the massager behind my bed is actually used on backs. I find it funny when I come in the room and they are using it for it's initial intended purpose instead of what I like it for.

New Insight

Hello, my sweet few friends that listen to my thoughts. I have purposefully kept you all out of the loop because I was tired of hearing myself talk about it. You all know what a wonderful and loving relationship Byron and I have, well, he decided to push me around again and I called the police, the DA pressed charged and after four months the case finally was dismissed today. A lot happened in between all of this, but I am filing custody papers this week. It is the second step int he divorce process, the divorce papers were already filed. I have been living by myself since the beginning of July and been a single parent since then because the court place a no contact ordered for the children and I against Byron for this entire time. That has been lifted today. Byron let everyone know how broken up he was blah blah blah. I knew the court was going to be dismissed on Monday, my advocate in the DA's office talked the DA into continuing the case until today, he was going to dismiss it on Monday and she felt I should have warning. I am not scared anymore, but I do appreciate the warning. Connor called him on Monday night for the first time since the beginning of July to talk and asked him to call him back. He has not called Connor. If I had not been able to see my kids in two months and a court order was lifted at 9 am today, at 9.15 I would have fucking been here. piss off you fucking loser asshole man that will never understand the value of the lives that are impacted by you r decisions, fuck you asshole fuck face that can not grow up and get over your childhood trauma in order to reduce the trauma of your own beautiful children, and so on and so on ad nauseum. It seems like, to me, I have not said anything because we have been apart so many times and you all know all of the dirt because i am not a hider and I am not ashamed of who I am or what I do. I had to get this far to admit to myself it is real. I am single. i am going to be so blessed by further living my life without that bad influence.
I confessed on a website called True Wife Confession. I find it very interesting and not so telling. I know many woman who are going through or have gone through many if not all of the confession. I did make a suggestion though and one man decided he would use it. He started a blog for men. I think the insight provided is good. Check out anonyman.
Peace and love from the west side.....