Wow

Talk about being low....
I am so sad right now I can not even believe it. I am also so happy, weird, yet again.
My Grandma died this early evening. I really am connected to that woman and I still feel it, but I am missing her voice.
The kids and I are off to Washington for an unspecified period of time. My family and I are going to get together talk, eat and drink and celebrate her life. I have such a close wonderful family. I can not wait to be there with my children, my mom, all of my cousins that I have missed so much in the last few years. Grandma contributed so much to everyone of the people I know It will be a crazy, fun, and poignant time for me. I think this is one of the most difficult weeks of my life.

Procrastination

I was singing the word procrastination, set to the music of Carly Simon's Anticipation when I just wrote my headline. I like Carly Simon. Her music reminds me fondly of my mother. I like my mother too.
I have been wanting to write lately, but I have followed my lazier, dirtier resolution so well, that I have not. I do think about it in my head though, but that is as far as I get. I can not tell you though how much of a positive experience my resolution has been. I still feel some nagging, good old fashioned Catholic guilt, but not nearly enough to move me to action. I feel like I have been enjoying myself even more lately and I thought I was before a lot too, so it is a whole lot of enjoying myself around here. The kids and I have been camping, met new friends, painting, coloring, swimming, to the beach, to the library, reading, writing, dancing a bunch and it has been fun. Do not get me wrong, my lovely sarcastic attitude about the hassles they present are still there, but since I am lazier and dirtier (I almost solely apply this around the house), they are a lot less hassle because I can let it all roll off my back. Maybe one day I will get better at this computer thing and upload pictures of them and add fancy stuff to my blog, but I do not think so. I am too lazy to figure it out and am quite happy with how things are now.
I think that in the last few days I have seen the funniest live moments in my life. I have laughed until I almost peed my pants. I think maybe to be fair though, I just may not remember all those other funny moments and different things may be funny to me at different times. I peed my pants a lot at one point in my life, so it must have been really fun then too. I am sad not to remember and I also feel blessed not to remember. I am adding another resolution. I am choosing to find as much enjoyment in each moment of my life as I possible can. I am working back in to PollyAnna mode. I am also working on stretching my emotions and intellect and taking more risks, as much as I can push myself, because why do I have boundaries? I can do what ever I try to do and why should I listen to that old voice inside me that whispers negative things into my soul, stealing a little joy. FUCK THAT. I have no need for the negative voice. I am experiencing the joy that is presented to me in this universe undiluted.
I passed the examination to become a CA credentialed teacher. I just received my official letter today. I have not decided where i will go with it, but it is there when I do. Technically, this means I can home school my kids. Would I really want to drive myself completely over the bend though? I think not.
I have not seen a bicycle crash in about ten years and on Saturday night I saw two. I felt bad for laughing, which I did at both instances, but the comical quality of the events were unparalleled.
Ok, random thoughts and kind of all over the place when I reread it, but that is the way my mind runs sometimes.
I am off to honor my resolution and put a frozen lasagna in the micro, open a bag salad, and toast a bagel for the kids for dinner.

Good Energy

Wow, things are flowing around the space I reside in. It is a great feeling to just sit back and enjoy life. I went to a wonderful party on Saturday night. I knew about 1/2 of the people there. The other 1/2 of people I met. It was one of the most comfortable, positive places I have ever been with that many people and tequila involved. There was a great reggae band playing and tons of laughing.
Something seems to have shifted. I can not quite put my finger on it, but I feel less tension around. My life is still the same, same people, same hassles and headaches, but it is......
It could be the anti depressants. Maybe after finally taking them off and on for 15 years they are finally working. Is this feeling coming from a pill? Is this how "normal" people feel every day? Aren't you all like me and feel the same things I do? Has the despair of the world lifted and gone? Is all of the violence and terror that permeates day to day living on it's way out? Are human beings finally understanding God , religion, and spirituality are not about fighting for the top position? Are all of the unimportant, inconsequential, mundane everyday annoyances fading into the back ground of acceptance, love, understanding and tolerance? or is it just the bottle of champagne I drank while making dinner and cleaning the house? I really like a good champagne buzz. It is sweet and light, like my imp Molly.
I heard wonderful news about my friends. They have procreated and are expecting the next beer lover to be born soon. The first baby is always so unexpected and exciting and challenging. The second baby is too, but not in the same novel way. When I was pregnant the first time it was the only thing that occupied my mind. Thirty nine weeks of my life passed and I could only focus on myself and what my body was doing. It was incredible. Then Connor was born and it was incredible too, in a different way. Some days and nights I did not think I would be able to put my foot in front of the other to get to the swing to pick him up. Exhaustion permeated my entire being. To be honest, six years later, it still does. Now, though, the exhaustion has become a way of life. I function this way and it feels comfortable. On those days when two rolls around and I can barely keep my head from rolling to the side and drool from dripping out of my mouth, I just brew up a fresh pot of coffee and comfort myself with the fact that seven is coming around the corner. No one, I mean no one, can ever say or show another how it feels to bring a baby into your life. It is so overwhelming in all ways positive and negative. I still try and run from the kids quietly so I have the time to pee by myself. It is nice that they offer to get me the toilet paper, to wipe, to help out but geez, there is nothing like peeing by yourself once that luxury is taken away. I am also waiting to enjoy having my boobs touched again. After two children hanging and sucking on them for over two years, they have gone on strike. Maybe I should tell my friend, the baby daddy, to get his feels in now because after....well after, anything touching those puppies are just an annoyance. And the pain of breast feeding, I have never been tortured, but I recall, holding my breath, crying, and thinking, ok, he only eats for about ten minutes, I can do it, take a couple deep breaths and go. Fuck it hurts, maybe more than the birth, but I had an epidural, so who knows. It hurts bad.
I have a but going on right now. On Saturday I will be taking my test to get my CA teaching credential. yes, I may one day, work to educate your children. It is scary, i know, but my education makes it a possibility, do not blame me, I am just looking for a fun direction, it is the state of CA you can write to about their requirements. I am nervous. I have not taken an exam since i got my real estate license in 1997. I am majorly out of practice and fractions are awful. remembering all of those math rules is something I am working on. if I have not done it since fifth grade, then I need some refreshing.
Connor will be home tomorrow after spending spring break with my mom is WA. He is so bossy and tried to always be in charge. I wonder where he got that. I think I will blame Byron. That is why you have two parents. That way you can blame someone else for the things that you do not like about your kids. It becomes, your kid did this today. This is another great way to avoid responsibility!

Birthday Massage

My mom bought me a massage for my birthday. I went last night and laid on a table for 1.5 hours. It felt so good, hurt so good, and was just almost long enough. I do not know though, that any time is long enough when you are having someone rub your body all over. She focused on my skull, my neck, and shoulder as that is where my stress is carried. She worked over and over once she found a tight spot until it was totally relaxed. It hurt! I just took deep breaths and let it out. She also used Reiki on me. It was warm and buzzy, or was that the smoke?
I do not get massages often enough. Here are my issues: underwear or no underwear. I went with no underwear, but if I had my period I would have worn them. Dirty feet: I have concrete floors, my feet are dirty the minute I walk out of my bedroom. They are also really calloused from this even though I scrub them everyday. She did not rub my feet, was that why? Dirty body: I knew I was going to get greasy and would need a shower afterwards, so I did not shower before hand. She wanted to work under my arms to loosen up my neck and shoulders, gross, but she did it anyway. Hairy legs: I have gotten so good at being lazy that I know never remember to shave, the therapist was kind enough not to say anything though. The worst part was: gas..... I have awful gas right now. I love it, it smells so rich, but Byron says it makes him want to throw up (makes me like it more). I did not want to fart while getting my massage but three, yes, three times, one hit my digestive tract and tried to push itself out. Here is was, comfortable, being rubbed, all limp, and then whammo, I would tense up like a coil and try to pinch the fart off. Of course, she knew what I was doing, unless I had some sort of spastic disorder. How is a person supposed to react in that situation, just let it fly. It makes sense the more relaxed you are, the more RELAXED you are. I did not let it ruin my time there, but I did think about it some. I still feel really good and relaxed today. I think that is better than therapy, just get a massage like that once a week instead and you will not give a shit what is going on in your life.

Resolve to Resolve

OK.....
So far so good my New Year's resolution is still intact.
I resolve to be dirtier.
I resolve to be lazier.
This is my re commitment for March.

HOE 301 AKA Parenting a Six Year Old

For those of you who do not remember HOE class stands for Hell on Earth.
Man, some days are ended with me thinking I am so over being a parent. Right now the days have been beginning that way. I can not believe I have 18 more years of this. By them time i have breakfast on I am ready to beat both kids and run back to my room and bury my head under the pillow. How am I supposed to get them to stop fighting? How am I supposed to get Connor to put more effort into school, be respectful, not argue, listen and do what he is asked. I have been in strict parent mode for about three weeks now and it is wearing on me. Every day I get asked "Mom, why are you so mean?" I always have the same answer, it is "It is not my job to be nice to you Connor. It is my job to raise you to be a good person, so sometimes you do not like what I do, and sometimes I will need to be mean." Geez, easy enough to understand. I wish I could see the end of the attitude somewhere in sight. I mean the kid has gone to bed early every night for about 2 weeks. Is it working? What else would? He is pretty much down to bare minimum now, how much more can get taken away, the privileges are running out. In order for me to recoup from this grueling time in my parental history I am going to need way more than an afternoon off. I think I am ready for about 2 weeks in a hotel room, completely alone. I could read books, magazines, watch movies, eat sitting down, take a bath, and NEVER have to wipe any ones butt but my own (that is kind of my fault though because I did not want to clean shit out of underwear, so I just kept wiping Connor and now he thinks he can not do it, he will not even poop at school if I am not there he thinks his butt will itch).I am hoping that my old theory of positive and negative phases of childhood last for six weeks. So we only have at the most three more weeks of it and then because he is so crappy right now, he will move into a happy cooperative child! I can do anything for three weeks, but the weeks being days is another story. We get old so fast before we even feel it.

Privilege of Being

by Robert Hass

Many are making love, up above, the angels
on the unshaken ether and crystal of human longing
are braiding one another's hair, which is strawberry blond
and the texture of cold rivers. They glance
down from time to time at the awkward ecstasy--
it must look to them like featherless birds
splashing in the spring puddle of a bed
and then one woman, she is about to come,
peels back the man's shut eyelids and says
look at me, and he does. Or is it the man
tugging the curtain rope in that dark theater?
Anyway, they do, they look at each other
two beings with evolved eyes, rapacious
startled, connected at the belly in an unbelievable sweet
lubricious glue, stare at each other,
and the angel are desolate. they hate it. The shudder pathetically
like lithographs of Victorian beggars
with perfect features and alabaster skin hawking rags
in the lewd alleys of the novel.
All of creation is offended by this distress.
it is like the keening sound the moon makes sometimes,
rising. The lovers especially can not bear it,
it fills them with unspeakable sadness, so that
they close their eyes and hold each other, each
feeling the mortal singularity of the body
they have enchanted out of death for an hour or so,
and one day, running at sunset, the woman says to the man,
I woke up feeling so sad this morning because I realized
that you could not, as much as I love you,
dear heart, cure my loneliness,
wherewith she touched his cheek to reassure him
that she did not mean to hurt him with this truth,
And the man is not hurt exactly,
he understands that life has limits, that people
die young, fail at love,
fail of their ambitions. He runs beside her, he thinks
of the sadness they have gasped and crooned their way out of
coming, clutching each other with old, invented
forms of grace and clumsy gratitude, ready
to be alone again, or dissatisfied, or merely
companionable like the couples on the summer beach
reading magazine articles about intimacy between the sexes
to themselves, and to each other
an to the immense, illiterate, consoling angels.

Rules Set for the Good

This is a post by Theresa Neilson Hayden. I found a link to it on VenturaMoms site and thought it bore repeating for the two people that ready my blog :). I am not sure what a link back is, but I think that is for me to link to her site of which I do not know how to do.



You are not required to obey an unlawful order.
You are required to disobey an unlawful order.
You swore an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
The Constitution states (Article VI):
This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.
Here is article 3, the common article, to the Geneva Conventions, a duly ratified treaty made under the authority of the United States:
Article 3
In the case of armed conflict not of an international character occurring in the territory of one of the High Contracting Parties, each party to the conflict shall be bound to apply, as a minimum, the following provisions:
1. Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed hors de combat by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.
To this end the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:
(a) Violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;
(b) Taking of hostages;
(c) Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment;
(d) The passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.
2. The wounded and sick shall be collected and cared for.
An impartial humanitarian body, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross, may offer its services to the Parties to the conflict.
The Parties to the conflict should further endeavour to bring into force, by means of special agreements, all or part of the other provisions of the present Convention.
The application of the preceding provisions shall not affect the legal status of the Parties to the conflict.
Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions is straightforward and clear. Under Article VI of the Constitution, it forms part of the supreme law of the land.
You personally will be held responsible for all of your actions, in all countries, at all times and places, for the rest of your life. “I was only following orders” is not a defense.
What all this is leading to:
If you are ordered to violate Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions, it is your duty to disobey that order. No “clarification,” whether passed by Congress or signed by the president, relieves you of that duty.
If you are ordered to violate Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions, this is what to do:
1. Request that your superior put the order in writing.
2. If your superior puts the order in writing, inform your superior that you intend to disobey that order.
3. Request trial by courtmartial.
You will almost certainly face disciplinary action, harassment of various kinds, loss of pay, loss of liberty, discomfort and indignity. America relies on you and your courage to face those challenges.
We, the people, need you to support and defend the Constitution. I am certain that your honor and patriotism are equal to the task.
This post may be quoted in full. A linkback would be appreciated.

Happy Valentine's, Here to hoping for some lovin

Repulsive moans sing elaborately
scream through the moments
pant together as I cry out
delirious with frantic love
breast beneath a running tongue
pounding enormous juices crush
heaved shots producing the bare lust

enourmous sadness
frantic whispers scream
through the red ache of death
rob me Goddess of the languid sleep
dream woman madly of what will soar
from life's delirious moments