I am a singer BABY!

OK, for those of you who know me, this may come as a shock. I have never really done karaoke. I am quite afraid of it. In most ways I am afraid of most things musical because I do not feel very self confident about it. "What?" you say. Jenny not self confident about something, well, "yes", I say, I am terrified of singing in front of people. I realize I may seem very out there and as I am not afraid of much, but I really pushed my own boundaries this weekend. I made it my goal to sing and I did. I sang with Juliana to help me out though and she said she could not hear me because I did not have the microphone close enough to my face, but I was up on the stage in front of everyone. I can totally dance on a stage, but sing...FUCK. It took about 2.5 hours for our act to get called and every time a name was called, I would feel sick to my stomach thinking it was going to be us....so, how did I deal with ti. I downed beer, and as often as possible. I am surprised I was not passed out by the time our turn came around. I do not think I will do it ever again, but I am proud of myself for dragging my ass to that stage even with the twenty pound weights in my shoes. (Yes, it was that hard for me.)

Mothering and Men

I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately, so instead of the shower I should be taking in my precious moments by myself, I am going to write.
I look back on all of the men in my life that I have been attracted to, OK, not ALL, but most, and certainly those I have entered relationships with. These men are mostly what I deem as fixer uppers. I am trying to sort this one out. They are mostly wonderful, highly intelligent people, that have a highly developed spiritual side, but there is a negative side too. Usually, it is a major negative side, mostly dealing with addition, respect, self esteem. I can not decide if this is a "project" for me, like I need something to do, i need to be in control, I need to be needed, I need to "mother". Is it all of these things? Or do I just have the misfortune (or in this life, have something to learn from) to be connected to and intensely attracted to, for lack of a better word, fucked up people. It is the most fucked up people that I have had the best sex with, the strongest connection to. Is the sex good because we are both half crazy? I know I also am the type of person who likes to wear blinders, but I am also brutally honest about things with myself. It is not as if I do not know about the screwed up parts, it is just I choose to ignore them and look at only the beautiful parts of the other person (until I am way too far into it anyway). I can not seem to get a grasp on my feelings for this and come up with a way to articulate it. I think I will have to revisit it when I have been drinking. I am much better at blogging then.

Vagina Birth vs. C Section

I just read in the newspaper that the Guinness Book of World Records has the heaviest baby being born weighing in at 22 pounds and 8 ounces. The baby was born to a healthy mother in 1955. Did they do C sections then? OUCH!

Resolutions

Since February is beginning, I feel the need to restate my New Year's reaolutions. I am going to try and do this every month.
I RESOLVE TO BE LAZIER.
I RESOLVE TO BE DIRTIER.

Our Children

I email all of my address book today the address for http://www.impeachbush.org/. I have never, I mean never really liked the man....I mean anyone who says, "Why is our children not be educated?" does not have enough education to run a huge nation. This last state of the union address has me thinking a lot about him and what can be done. Maybe, probably nothing can be done, but I sure feel better with myself for actually voicing my opinion in hopes that it can make a change. I do not know a lot about politics and have never really been interested, but I am a mother and all of those (an adequate description fails me right now) people who do their job for our country all have or have had a mother at one point. In a sense because of what they are doing and it being for us, we have to be responsible and not let a person who also says "I am the decision maker...", WTF, decide to send thousands and thousands more of our children to a cause that it will not help. Here is a website listing the fatalities since only May of 2003 http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/list.php.
As of today since the war began March 19, 2003, there have been 3084 deaths and the official wounded count is 23,114. It is estimated thought to be much higher a number. The last fatality of an American soldier was killed today. You can look at the list tomorrow to see if there are any then.
We live in a democracy, which in case you all have forgotten means, governed by the people. Please keep that in mind and choose to take some action no matter where you stand on the issue (ok for reals, only if you stand on my side of it, take action, the rest of you sit on your butts, or you could adopt a soldier to make there time over there for you more comfortable).
I am off my soap box now and off to shower. I had the time today surprisingly, but I used it to lay on the couch, read the paper, eat, and watch TV, very, very selfish, I know, but I wanted it, so I had it! Never had much self control and I hope to not really gain much more, I am having way to much fun as it is.

Ventura's Finest

It sure is a good thing that there were two homeless people trying to fix their bike tire in the bank parking lot this morning. Molly, of course, had to pee and since we are still in a critical peeing stage with her we went back into the bank to use the restroom. Bank of America really cares about their clients and does not offer restroom facilities, even for two year olds crying because they have to pee. They did offer up Von's a few blocks away as a facility to use. I am desperate not to set back my angel's progress and make her feel bad about having an accident, so, I not even noticing the police car about 15 feet away with the canine barking in the back, tell Molly she can go in the bushes. I pulled her little jeans down and helped her squat so she would not pee on them, her panties, or her shoes. I was just pulling her pants back up, when I looked over and noticed the police officer. Whoops, a "real" crime of peeing in public was taking place with in feet of the officer, but it is good for me that I avoided a ticket, because of a crime of homelessness was being committed in more plain view! I have escaped the law once again!

New Year's

I have been off of this blog for a long time. I can not even tell you directly what I have been going through. I have done a lot though. My mindset is where it has been for a long time, alone.....
In the beginning of December, my family and I, meaning, Byron, Connor, Molly, my Mom, her husband, my sister, her husband and their four kids went to Park City Utah. The trip did not start out so well because the night before I sat in Juliana's hot tub for ours drinking micro brew beers. It was raining like crazy! Jules and I decided to run to the liqueur store for more beer and hoppedon our bikes. I took my bank card and ID in my pocket. We were so wet when we got home I stripped off my clothes at her house and just jumped in he jacuzzi. At about 4 am, I rolled into my bed and at about 5.30 am, Byron threw me in the shower. We all loaded up and headed to Byron's brother for a ride to the airport. All went ok, I did not throw up or pass out. We arrived at the airport and went to check in..."Can I see you ID?"...Oh shit, my ID was in my pocket of my coat laying on Juliana's bedroom floor in Ventura. Oops, sorry, I do not have one, nor a costco card, bank card, anything with my picture on it, but wait, I have a donor card I wrote my name, maiden name mind you, not the name I bought the tickets under, and my address. OK, mam, we will accept that as ID. Whoa, what about 9/11 and all of the crap, I even made it through special screening with my mouthwash in my purse. I could not have looked any shittier when I checked in than I have ever looked in my life, but I got on and I went to Utah, sans ID of any sort!!! YEAH, that was the best.
I lamented a lot in Utah. You have to go to a liquor store for wine or full strength beer. Very Crappy, next vacation I am not going to a red state. On the other hand, all I had to do to get into bar's without my ID was to pay the person at the door. Do I look that old or are they that depserate?
Great, here and all around me. A huge lack of sleep, for music, dancing, drinking, fires, food and lots of friends, it was the best. I am so happy about how it all went down, too drunk now to type more, the kids are alspee and I am going back next door to hang out by the fire....more later....It seems as if maybe I do not know when, but later.....
Happy New Year!

I just returned from watching Borat. Interesting, very interesting, and very funny, in a sad way too. Man, some people are just too much for me to wrap my head around. Idiocy, close mindedness, ignorance, religion, whatever you want to label it. I admit I laughed a lot, but at the same time I was cringing.

Oh yeah, halloween candy is the devil!

Hopeful Day

Wow, maybe my votes actually did count this time. I even went so far as to write a CA senator as to why I would not vote for her based on her stance on the "War" in Iraq. I looked up every person, every initiative, I tried very hard to be informed. My voting skills of the past have been to look at groups supporting or against certain measures and vote that way. I took it further this time and it seems as if my time and energy paid off. Ok, maybe it was just the way America swung this time, but I am reasonable happy with most of the outcomes. I am looking forward to George being blocked as much as possible his final two years. Dare I say it, maybe, just maybe, but I am not holding my breath, every last one of our countrymen will be brought home from Iraq, that crazy place in the sand where they die, lose limbs, get burned, families are destroyed, all for lies perpetuated by that mega-ego-maniac that considers himself the topmost authority over the universe. Yep, that is it, Master of the Universe, but not the good one from when we were kids. I could go on and on about that awful person and all of the awful things that have happened on his watch, but I am putting positiveness out there right now. Most of you who know me know of my political leanings. Government interference be damned.
Wow, a lot has went on in the past couple of weeks. I missed my sweet friend's first baby shower thanks to an intensive, weekend long marriage seminar. I think other than birth, that seminar was the most emotionally draining thing I have done. It was tough, it is tough still. I do not like being vulnerable, especially to Byron. It kind of irritated me, that the entire time, he still denied having anything bad happen to him when he grew up. The man's mother used to have their family pets put to sleep while they were at school because she was tired of them, but according to Byron she was almost a saint. Her other mode of disposal was to take whatever animal they had and drive it across town for drop off. I was not really hopeful going into the thing and I am not so hopeful now either. I think it may have been different if an actual opening up and realization had occurred. Why do I keep going forward? I hear Connor saying, "Mom, the worst thing ever would be...." Feel free to fill in the blank here, anything regarding us being broke up, divorced, fighting, not living together, etc. Although, I suppose it can not be categorized as forward, more of why am I still in the holding pattern. The seminar had a lot of truth in it. We as human beings are destined to pick those that make us stretch and grow no matter how much it hurts. I am a hailstorm and Byron is a turtle, we are not compatible as such, so we are supposed to work to empathize with one another, using actual understanding of where the requests each is making is coming from, and acting based on that. I am not sure I needed to pay 600.00 for that.
Miss Molly is napping right now, but after she gets up we are headed to the orthodontist, yes, my two year old girl with baby teeth is going to the orthodontist. She was trying to get her pacifiers out of the kitchen drawer last Thursday and ended up falling. She broke her fall on the concrete with her mouth and lips. Her lip is no longer swollen and the four splits in it have healed, but her teeth are still pushed back about 1 cm in her tiny mouth. The good news is, they are closer back to normal than they were last week and they do not seem to be changing color. The changing color would mean out the teeth would come, then the poor child would have no new teeth until her adults come in around age six or seven. The hits just keep coming with that girl. A silver lining though is we were forced to take the pacifiers away for good because they would cause the loose teeth to reposition themselves wrong.

One more revisit to the elections, thank you my open minded, civic minded, liberal, free and peaceful thinking friends. One small step has been made to making this nation respected and great, as it once was.